Me and You

I always thought I wrote most beautifully in English not Arabic and I’ve been writing in Arabic so much, abandoning writing English…

I think it has something to do with me being a coward in the core…

Too scared what will come out if I open up myself truly and let my fingers go!

But here we go…

I’m gonna rise, somehow I choose to rise…

It’s my choice and I’m making a conscious one.

I’ll write more and again, I’ll get my travelling plans back on track and yes looks like Tehran in the Spring…

Won’t that be lovely?

Yes…

I’ll work in silence and get back to the start.

To the books…

To my books…

To my dream that was simply to make a place home enough to call my own…

And I will…

I will.

Without realizing I became a secondary character in my own story feeling content in stealing the part of the heroine every once in a while in other people’s sagas…

I realized that truly to be true to myself I need to be my own heroine in my own tale and everyone else needs to win their roles in my story…

So that’s the way it will be from now on…

I’m gonna ask for help and actually allow it in…

And I’m gonna do my very best to tell the stories that I seek as they take place, one by one, little by little tell all the stories…

I’m gonna still love hard and true…

I’ll still fight for the hopeless and let myself go for them in and out of time…

And it’s not about me being my own salvation or about someone being it, it’s about us being each others…

And it’s gonna be okay…

Truly Okay…

Just I and You wait and See…

And the truth is this is not only for me, this is also written to and on behalf of a very close love of mine…

We’re gonna be okay…

We’re gonna write the world better and we’re gonna fix ourselves, cause we’re good for the world…

We’re very good for the world, despite of our own selves…

We stop and we take time to listen…

We ache for everyone, each and every last one…

And a soul that aches this true can never truly go wrong…

And so for you and me, I dedicate this too…

I wanted to be selfish and it was time for me to try just a little for my own sake to be but then I saw your face after you came back from the bathroom in the opera after throwing up and I thought this is not for me…

Not only me, this is for me and you.

And I keep thinking I was supposed to go to you that day and give you الحضن الكبير…

I apologize if I hurt you on my quest to finding me…

And I will always love you.

Always…

You see you have to look at your life with your heart and figure out who you truly care about, who you truly love…

And for whom you’d honestly and sincerely die without a regret…

Get hit for, take a bullet for…

And I would gladly for you…

For that and so much more I’m here telling you that we’re gonna be okay =)

Despite of ourselves.

Despite of our own selves…

 

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I’ll buy you Paper from Texas, A Heart from New Orleans, You’re Looking for Something that’s NOT in YOUR Life

You wrote a poem, a master piece, that you probably have been trying to get out for weeks and months. You finally let it out, for a moment their you felt something, you took for relief, but as time went by you knew that it was just momentary satisfaction, like a mother that have just given birth to her child.

Her wounds shall ache for a long time after her baby is out in the world, but her baby comforts her. Makes her feel that it was all worth while. That it is all said and done, and she has a baby out of it. Since writing is the closest thing men ever come to child labour, you comforted yourself telling yourself over and over again, that it was all said and done, and that you got “Er7aly” out of it.

The moment someone scratched the surface, told you he felt something even remotely similar to what you used to feel and still do feel. It all came back to you. Which kind of says that it never did go away from the start.

Writing immortalizes what we feel, what we’re going through. It doesn’t make it go away. It just makes it immortal.

That’s why they keep telling people don’t fall in a love dilemma with any kind of artist, because ART is immortal. And if you left a mark, you’ll be included in a piece of art. So leave a good mark on an artist, will you? Thing is the people who really get us seldom leave a good mark, mostly they tear us apart. They leave us to pick up the pieces after their mess, a mess of our heart.

You wanted love, you let go. You trusted and expected to get trusted back. But you didn’t and you came to know that baby not everyone is as beautiful as you.

You thought poetry and your gift will help you make it through and it does, will, and do. Just not like this. You need to feel everything the pain, the love, disappointment, desperation, then write it all down for time to see. Feel everything you write, cry on your keyboard. This is how poetry will get you through.

I just don’t feel you’re over her just yet. It’s not over till the last tear have been shed not till the last word has been written.

Write and Cry and Love Again Eventually.

I’ve seen it before, and baby you’re gonna make it on through…

Since there are no mirrors around I am waiting yet to be FOUND!!!

I didn’t think there were so many broken hearted girls in the world other than me, of course.

Well there are A LOT more than you can ever imagine they’ve fallen down so many times you couldn’t even walk a day in their shoes.

They’re bruised, scarred, and some things in them are broken beyond mending.

Some days they’re busy as a bee and others they refuse to get out of bed.

They’ve lost hope so many times, yet never gave up on tomorrow.

They are there everywhere if you only knew but you don’t you shrug them off, use and abuse them.

Then leave them behind and never look twice.

They are the best mothers for your children and they are the best lovers you can ever find.

But do you take the time to look twice no you don’t you leave, you break them to pieces and have them loose faith in everything that made them THEM then you simply leave.

Shame on you and shame on us because we fall for guys like you time after time.

But you know what we can love, we know how to love, while you’re incapable of loving even YOU.

We act like your mother, we love you like a perfect lover, we have your back like the best of friends and we take your hand and walk you through the darkness and rain and what do you do YOU WALK AWAY.

Too scared of letting go, too scared of loving, too scared of becoming heart broken and breaking our own hearts in the process.

Well you know what we pity you, we really do, through our tears and the ache deep down in the soul of want and need we shout it will pass though then we feel with every breath that our time is closer than ever.

But it does pass and we do move on.

We love again, we let go again and we get torn to shreds again time after time.

But we get up again and we love just one more time hoping it would be our very last time, wishing, hoping and crossing fingers because we’re just trying to find our way HOME.

Some say home is where you feel safe, others say its where your love is, Jo Dee said its where you lay down your soul.

Opinions vary but simply home is good, home is what people search for there whole lives and look for it so hard most of the time ending up not finding it at all, other times they end up catching a glimpse of it in one stage of their lives.

Home is where the heart is, Home is the one place we seek refuge in our whole lives.

The path might be full of pebbles and stones, we might end up being even more messed up then when we began to look for it but we keep on searching looking for something more, looking for the ONE, the perfect JOB, the perfect LIFE.

We keep looking sadly most of the time it ends up being right in front of eyes all along right there but humans are stupid that way.

Going out the distance to find what’s right beneath our freaking shoes.

If we let go people end up underestimating us and throwing everything we say against the wall, if we go by the book walk next to the wall and never aim towards the ceiling they like us and feel that we’re harmless and don’t resemble a threat to their master plan of dominance.

Well I’m not here to make you feel safe and sound, I’m here to make me feel safe and sound.

I can only achieve that by aiming higher than the ceiling and even higher than the moon.

No I’m not here for your entertainment and pleasure.

I’m here for my own happiness, my own security, my own pleasure or at least that’s what I keep telling myself every time I fall to pieces on the ground.

But some of us just live to take care of others in hope that one day someone will come around to take care of us.

In time we find out that the one we’re waiting for is US.

Though we come around too late almost always.

We start reassessing our lives, taking a second look at it, seeing what we want and what we don’t but why wait till its too late till its too late to tell the real one I love you or its too late to climb that mountain why?

Why not find out our lost selves NOW? Why not NOW?

Because we’re still lost we claim waiting naively to be found by someone anyone.

Well the only one who is capable of finding you is you.

The sooner you find that out the better. 

Because the only one that is yours the only one you own is YOU.

You only own YOU.

You only love YOU.

We hear a lot of praise but if its not for that certain someone its completely and utterly useless.

We close our eyes and wish the words were coming for his sweet lips and most probably he wants to say them and much more he’s just too scared to let go.

Till when are we going to wait around for the cowards to speak?

Till when will we give them the floor and wait in frustration listening to the ticks of the clock as our lives pass by before us ?

Till when will we be brave enough to wait on the world to change?

Well till it does you might say.

Till he talks.

Till he comes out.

Till he tells me he loves ME and ONLY ME.

We lose our selves, we lose our glory, we lose what makes us truly us, they suck away everything that makes us US and leave us on the side on the road drowning in our blood and pain.

I’m not telling you this and asking you to stop and walk away or know your true worth.

Nothing I can ever say will make you lose hope or faith in him.

I am just asking you to believe in you as hard as you believe in him.

I’m asking you to look in the mirror and say I’m sexy, I’m beautiful and I turn heads every single day.

When the day comes that you just let go you’ll find that there are lonely souls who have been waiting around on you too.

So please just take care and be merciful not to make them wait too long.

Be merciful to them for they believe that you’re they’re HOME just like you believe that he is YOURS.

They might be wrong you’re probably not so right yourself young lady but just keep it in mind that love is everywhere don’t focus so hard on one so as to miss the rest.

Everything is going to be all right and no one deserves your sympathy and compassion more than YOU.

Know that you’re loved that love comes in so many different packages, learn from your mistakes and don’t move on MOVE UP.

Move Up.

Marwa Arafa

On HIS way to YOU

She thinks she’s LOST, I know she’s this close to be found once and for all.

But she’ll never know how close she is to the answer she’ll never know how close she is to figuring it all out.

I tried to help, I yelled, screamed and shouted on the top of my lungs.

It didn’t work and I wasn’t waiting for it to I really wasn’t but I had to say it anyway because I love you, and I am your friend and this is what friends do.

They say it anyway. Regardless of anything, they just do ANYWAY.

You had to figure it out on your own like you always do.

You think we help you, you think we lead you with our advice and fancy shmanzy words, we don’t you lead us with your spirit and pure heart, we just say what needs to be said, that’s all.

I GET you, you know I do, not because only I can relate but mostly because I can feel.

For you do not need someone to understand or get you and there is not much to get anyhow but you do need someone to feel.

Wars don’t inspire you neither do revolutions and that’s not a bad thing because you are interested in the beautiful things in life not the dark or blue.

I have been quite for quite sometime now waiting for you to figure it out on your own but you didn’t.

You see you were so manifested and compelled in the idea of finding a solution to a non existing problem.

You thought you lost it, your Mojo, you thought you were in cross roads of your life, you thought this and you thought that.

And I let you think whatever you want to, there was no stopping you. You are smart but too smart for your own good I am afraid.

Sweetie you’re not going through a life changing period in your life.

You are just growing up from the cute little girl with paint on the tip of her noes to the amazing young woman with paint covering her work overalls, hands and face.

You’re just growing up.

Trying to find where you are and where you’re going.

But to be honest that’s not the important thing not really.

You want love, you simply want love NOW.

You feel like you have waited long enough and you want love now.

Your brain is shut on it and your heart is simply way too weak to move a step further but you know what its not tired because it needs love to refuel its cause you got caught up in the idea of questing for love that your heart thought love so close he could taste it.

When really your time is not here yet. So are you going to stop your heart, mind and soul and wait on love to come around.

Are you willing to waste all that time ?

Really are you ?

You gave in to your want and need, you gave in.

That mixed with the bad in the world brought you to where you stand today.

Not lost by nature but lost by choice.

I am not going to say to you that you’re time is yet to come and just go on with your life and love will come when you least expect it.

I am going to cry with you, yes CRY.

Because it sucks and its not fair and you deserve to be happy now not only tomorrow.

But darling you focusing, wishing and fantasizing so hard about that one aspect of your life is causing you to lose touch with everything else.

You are losing time, precious time waiting on love to come.

Remember the quote that said if you want something hard enough you will simply close your eyes and it will come to you.

That’s simply crap, everything comes in the right time and place and we don’t get to choose.

We don’t have a hand in our own destiny and that’s the truth.

We can try and throw ourselves out there with all our might and still in the end God will let what he sees fit takes place.

Its simply complicated and sadly desperate.

I know that your sick with frustration and mad with want and weak with need.

But you need to learn to make do with the people you have in your life, cherish and love them.

I swear one day soon he will come. He will.

He is out there looking for you, or he’s too scared to speak and say what’s on his mind, or he’s just too confused too figure it all out yet.

But he is coming, he is there.

You just need to believe in HIM, believe in GOD, believe in how BEAUTIFUL YOU REALLY ARE.

All my words are useless if you don’t believe.

The problem is not you losing your inspiration its you losing YOU.  

You gotta keep the faith love.

Tomorrow is beautiful and so are YOU.

Marwa Arafa

Haneen

Hands on the keyboard waiting and have been for a while for her to speak.

I tried speaking in her mother tongue, naively I thought that if I gave her the language, if I gifted her with my hands she would find me and yell through my hands.

But she didn’t and instead something lost deep down in my concious found its way out through my mother tongue, sneaking behind my back and stealing the golden opportunity and finding its way out.

Silly me anyhow for not listening to my own soul for so long, silly me. Of all people me. And so here I am once again trying to find the words to reach a dear one’s heart.

She thinks I don’t get her but I do. She thinks I will figure out everything in time. But you see life just took me away and I lost my shadow’s voice.

For that I apologize for letting life get the better of me.

But what am I to do when I look in the mirror and I can’t even find a sparkle in my eyes any more.

But that will have to wait for another piece.

Haneen to you I apologize for I know that you of all people will understand won’t you my darling.

Oh please do of all people You!

As youngsters we used to invent imaginary friends.

If I were too scared to ask for something or wasn’t sure of the respond I would get I would say Emily wants!

There was a series about this little girl in the country that I used to wait for every day, the girl’s name was Emily and so was my VOICE!

I gave Emily my voice, the thing is the older we get the more we depend on old tricks as we are too scared to try new ones.

And you gave Haneen yours for so long you have been someone your heart refused to be.

You loved, danced,and your paint brush flew in careless whispers over canvas and paper.

But still you weren’t YOU!

Something was out of place and suddenly you started to figure it all out or maybe you just accumulated the courage to elaborate or maybe your dreams sneaked upon your reality knocking it off its feet and knocking you too.

You wanted more, you needed more.

You needed to start moving up not moving on.

That new fantasy that devoured you was so scary and so threatening to everything that you have been working on and building for years that for a long while you were stuck helpless.

You couldn’t paint, your brush refused to brush the surface off when the true art piece needed to be carved.

Then suddenly your subconcious found a solution it invented Haneen and you naively celebrated her birth believing that she was the messiah when she was no more than a trial to the new you, the brand new you.

You are too scared to change, to develop and have been for a while.

That your heart, mind and soul made a secret  alliance to take the old you down.

You see darling people change all the time and its ok to be freaked out to hell, to hang on with all you might to what you know.

We all do that whether we admit we do or not.

You don’t know if Haneen is you or not. In a way she is yet in another she’s not.

She is here to lead you to show you the way and light the path.

Waiting for someone to get her and see notice the change in order to see if she will work in your “current” world is like waiting on the world to change love, tiring and useless.

The ones you want to notice will never do and the ones who do won’t be enough.

Come to think about it maybe the new you or Haneen (the one you are on the path of becoming) don’t belong to your current world and sweetie its ok to change worlds and leave people behind just because they don’t belong any more.

They don’t belong in your new world.

Its ok there will come others and you’re still learning taking your first steps on the path of finding your identity of shaping who you are.

Its in the abc of finding YOU, the true YOU!

Finding your full potential your comfort zone and defying it!!!

Haneen is just your way of trying out whom you’d like to become, she ain’t gonna be here forever you will have to go out on your own one day and face the people bearing your true name but don’t worry love that day is no where near.

You will learn whom are the ones you can’t risk losing and whom are the ones you just can’t move up without letting go of.

And that’s ok too because life is stages, just remember you either move on or move up.

I am going to be writing about and for Haneen a lot for quite a while, I know and you know what that’s ok too.

Because one day I shall use the name you bear, your true name, one day I shall just you wait and see.

One day I shall say Khadiga Rehab…………..

Haneen

حنين في قلبي فإني يا حبيبي اشتاق إلى رؤياك إلى ضمك إلي.

اشتاق إلى كل الاشياء التي كنت تفعلها و كل ما كنت أتخيلك تفعله أيضاً.

اشتاق إليك أحن إليك.

و من حنيني و شوقي ولدت حنين.

بسذاجة احتفلت يا حبي بعيد مولدها فظنت هي أنها قادرة علىالإحتفال  و الفرحة بمفردها

و ظننت أنا أنها فعلاً لا تحتاجني.

و يا عجبي على قلة معرفتي واعذرني جهلي.

فلولا اصراري على الإحتفال معها لذهبت مبكراً إلي البيت لكي تدفن وجهها في وسادتها

و لركضت للكهرباء للتتأكد أن هاتفها مشحون و لقضت ليلةً أخرى تنتظر من يأبى الحضور

من أجلي أنا احتفلت و من أجلي أنا ابتسمت و من أجلي أنا وضعت قناع فوق قناع لتخفي لهيبها و شوقها من أجلي أنا.

و لكن أنا صممت و اقنعت نفسي و قلبي أنها لا تحتاجني و أنها على ما يرام بمفردها.

و مجدداً يا لجهلي فلا أحد يفهمها مثلي و لا أحد يحبها و يقدر عذابها مثلي.

فحنين وليدة أحزاني و الآمي و شجوني أنا و هي في العشق سواسية

أنا و هي تأهون في دروب الحب بلا رجعة و لا ضوء نستشعر به معالم الطريق.

يا ليتنا تركنا وروداً على حواف أهوائنا لكي تدلنا عندما نفقد الطريق.

يا ليتنا لم نحب يا ليتنا لم نحلم يا ليتنا تركنا قلوبنا امنة في بيوتنا و مشينا في وسط متاعب و قسوة الحياه بلا قلب و لا روح.

و لكننا لم نفعل و لن نفعل لئن لولا شجوني ما ولد صوتي ما ولدت حنين.

يا عزيزتي لا تجزعي فمن لا يفهمك إليوم سيفهمك  غداً و من يحاول جاهداً سيفهم الليلة

و لن ينام حتى يدرك سوء مطلعنا و أن أدرك لن ينام إلى و نحن بين يديه في أحضانه.

صبراً جميلاً يا عزيزتي ستأتي رسالته قريبا سيرن الهاتف قريباً جداً

و سيبعث في قلبك السرور و الدفئ بصوته.

و حتى ذلك الحين فأنتي يا حنين مؤنستي و سلواي.

فأرجوكي لا تتركيني أرجوكي اسمحي لي أن أشعر انني انتي و أنك أنا ألا يكفي أن العالم

لا يفهمنا أسنوسيء فهم أنفسنا أيضاً.

فإن لم يرحمنا عباد الله فلنرحم أنفسنا

و لندعو الخالق بقنوت طالبين رحمته التي لا يليها رحمة


The World is YOURS =) Written for a Very Dear Friend <3

       

      Ever went out looking for something and ended up with something completely different yet amazingly, positively, incredibly, OUTSTANDING!!! I was looking for something ordinary and I found something magically phenomenal.

Now pardon me I do exaggerate some okay A LOT of times. But just imagine someone like me. A rebel, someone who appreciates the forgotten. Loves love and believes in unlimited, undefined, undivided love. A boy with a camera just like I hold my pen. Captures the light when there is only darkness to be found. A soul that knows how to look at the sky and pray to a God that he might not be sure most of the time of his mere existence yet he is a believer.

     He is devoted to beauty, married to devotion and having an affair with faith. He spreads hope as he holds it in his sleeves and pockets like extra change. He is no where near perfect yet he is perfectly imperfect and who can wish for more. He need to put his head on right some of the time and some other his twisted head leads him exactly where he needs to go.

     He thinks he is unlucky in love, he has no idea that to him there is no such thing as the one its only the ONLY. And that ain’t here just yet till then he will keep stepping stones.

     He sins, he errs never said he was perfect yet he knows he is wrong when he is and eventually will force his ferocious soul into obediance. He will fly, he fell and will continue to fall. For hearts like his the ground is like there temporary home, till they save enough energy to spread there wings again. Still needs to mature and still needs to see the so called cliche light but then it never was about getting there wasn’t it always about the ride. So darling do enjoy the ride.

     She is blessed though she doesn’t know it because she is cherished by a heart as gentle and profound as yours. She knows she feels yet maybe its not time yet and maybe she isn’t your only you’ll just need to hang around long enough to find that out for yourself.

     I am blessed though I don’t know you as good as I would like too but I want to I really do.

     In the end hold your camera high, keep an eager and attentive ear out for the little voices for they are the ones that pull you through, and of course keep one eye on the sky so you won’t forget your dreams yet another on the ground on the look out for pebbles down the rough path you had chosen.

     Kiss a girl each day even if its a little one, I mean a boy needs his practice for perfection. When no one is looking spread you hands out and twirl round and round till your head is light and your heart is pure again. Smile, read of love, life, and nature always. And of tragedy only to learn to avoid it. Keep your head high and spirit free. Know that you are loved.

Marwa Arafa