Haneen

Hands on the keyboard waiting and have been for a while for her to speak.

I tried speaking in her mother tongue, naively I thought that if I gave her the language, if I gifted her with my hands she would find me and yell through my hands.

But she didn’t and instead something lost deep down in my concious found its way out through my mother tongue, sneaking behind my back and stealing the golden opportunity and finding its way out.

Silly me anyhow for not listening to my own soul for so long, silly me. Of all people me. And so here I am once again trying to find the words to reach a dear one’s heart.

She thinks I don’t get her but I do. She thinks I will figure out everything in time. But you see life just took me away and I lost my shadow’s voice.

For that I apologize for letting life get the better of me.

But what am I to do when I look in the mirror and I can’t even find a sparkle in my eyes any more.

But that will have to wait for another piece.

Haneen to you I apologize for I know that you of all people will understand won’t you my darling.

Oh please do of all people You!

As youngsters we used to invent imaginary friends.

If I were too scared to ask for something or wasn’t sure of the respond I would get I would say Emily wants!

There was a series about this little girl in the country that I used to wait for every day, the girl’s name was Emily and so was my VOICE!

I gave Emily my voice, the thing is the older we get the more we depend on old tricks as we are too scared to try new ones.

And you gave Haneen yours for so long you have been someone your heart refused to be.

You loved, danced,and your paint brush flew in careless whispers over canvas and paper.

But still you weren’t YOU!

Something was out of place and suddenly you started to figure it all out or maybe you just accumulated the courage to elaborate or maybe your dreams sneaked upon your reality knocking it off its feet and knocking you too.

You wanted more, you needed more.

You needed to start moving up not moving on.

That new fantasy that devoured you was so scary and so threatening to everything that you have been working on and building for years that for a long while you were stuck helpless.

You couldn’t paint, your brush refused to brush the surface off when the true art piece needed to be carved.

Then suddenly your subconcious found a solution it invented Haneen and you naively celebrated her birth believing that she was the messiah when she was no more than a trial to the new you, the brand new you.

You are too scared to change, to develop and have been for a while.

That your heart, mind and soul made a secret  alliance to take the old you down.

You see darling people change all the time and its ok to be freaked out to hell, to hang on with all you might to what you know.

We all do that whether we admit we do or not.

You don’t know if Haneen is you or not. In a way she is yet in another she’s not.

She is here to lead you to show you the way and light the path.

Waiting for someone to get her and see notice the change in order to see if she will work in your “current” world is like waiting on the world to change love, tiring and useless.

The ones you want to notice will never do and the ones who do won’t be enough.

Come to think about it maybe the new you or Haneen (the one you are on the path of becoming) don’t belong to your current world and sweetie its ok to change worlds and leave people behind just because they don’t belong any more.

They don’t belong in your new world.

Its ok there will come others and you’re still learning taking your first steps on the path of finding your identity of shaping who you are.

Its in the abc of finding YOU, the true YOU!

Finding your full potential your comfort zone and defying it!!!

Haneen is just your way of trying out whom you’d like to become, she ain’t gonna be here forever you will have to go out on your own one day and face the people bearing your true name but don’t worry love that day is no where near.

You will learn whom are the ones you can’t risk losing and whom are the ones you just can’t move up without letting go of.

And that’s ok too because life is stages, just remember you either move on or move up.

I am going to be writing about and for Haneen a lot for quite a while, I know and you know what that’s ok too.

Because one day I shall use the name you bear, your true name, one day I shall just you wait and see.

One day I shall say Khadiga Rehab…………..

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