Defy the Norm

“I love you”, yeah just hit me with the image that pops up at the top of your head. Sweet guy, cute girl, damns good scenery. NAH!

Never would it occur to you that it would be a cute girl saying it to a shy guy whose head over heels in love with her, a blunt girl saying it to a boy that might feel the same or not, or a women brave enough to demand what she deserves and not waste a minute on foreplay. No because you and all of us are slaves of the norms, of our own misconceptions.

So that never occurs to us, none the less God forbid actually do something of a similar manner. 

The guy has to be the one to start, it’s romantic that way. NO, it is perceived that it is more romantic that way. The most romantic marriage proposals ever performed were, yes wait for it, proposals by women!

So why do we do this to ourselves? Well obvious reasons would be insecurities, social pressures and customs, issues, hand me on previous experiences either your own or someone else’s (they think you’re cheap, an easy target then). Well because not enough people defied the current norms to set new ones yes most probably he will. But if you say that and I say that and she says that, then nothing will ever change in this lifetime and not even frustratingly in the next one. So I say NO. I say I love you. I say I care. I say that for his sake and mine. If he loves you, nothing else will matter. If he does not well at the end of the day, he will sleep with a smile on his face knowing that he is loved. Naive you say. Kind I reply. I kind motto to live by and a damn good start for a life full of giving and love.

I might be naive. At least I do what I believe is right and true. Don’t you want to too?

Marwa Arafa


Faith in Fate

I was talking to my aunt a while ago and she said in an outburst,

“It’s like you’re talking about another life not ours.”

“Excuse me; I am not getting you from where I’m standing.”

“Stand somewhere else,” my aunt said sticking her tongue out.

 “Come on. I’m serious.”

“The way I’ve been brought up, women doesn’t get more than one man. Period”, she went on,

“Here you are talking about first, second, and third relationships. And you just don’t get it, we are in an Eastern society darling, it doesn’t work like that around here.”

Now I am not going to argue my way out of that, because whatever I would say wouldn’t change her mind one bit. So I took the words, ended the conversation, and thought about that long and hard.

The next day, I asked her over breakfast, “You got married at seventeen, divorced at twenty nine, he was your one and only. Don’t you regret that?”

She seemed to have gone astray for just a second, and then she said, “Well after I got divorced I couldn’t bear the idea of bringing a husband into the house, who would be a stepfather for my children. Maybe if I didn’t have kids, I would have married again.”

“But that’s not what I meant; didn’t you regret not having any prior relationships to your marriage? Aren’t you lonely now after both your kids are married and off living their own lives?”

“Well to answer your second question first of course I am lonely. I never was able to sleep alone. Now I have to every single night. I ache for company, for a voice in the dark. God I fall ill for weeks and no one gives me a mere phone call. Most days I feel like I am all alone but then my kids and grand kids come to visit me on a Friday and the world looks this much brighter.”

When she stopped, I asked, “Why don’t you ask for help for company?”

She screamed at the top of her voice, “I didn’t ask for help bringing up two toddlers all alone, I ain’t asking for help now.”

“I apologize, I’m so sorry.”

“It’s okay really; it’s not your fault. I made many mistakes bringing up those kids, things that probably if given a second chance I would have done differently. But there is no second chances, anyway I overcame a lot of my struggles and dilemmas. But I never could get around not being able to ask for help even when I was drowning in bills and children’s needs and desires.”

“It’s okay; it’s something we have in common.”

“These nasty genes”, she laughed. 

Then she went on, “I never had the option of having other relationships, it wasn’t like these days back then. Back in the day if a girl did have a relationship outside marriage most probably no one would marry her. We got sent off so young anyhow. My husband cheating on me was the first time anyone ever broke my heart. Yes, not having prior relationships gave me an opportunity to love him with all my heart. Not have someone to compare him to and just love and give unconditionally. But it’s really God’s fate some of my friends married real men and they were their one and only. They never loved another and they never needed to. But when God’s fate leaves you a single mother at twenty nine, you start having second thoughts about everything.”

I did not want to pressure her further, but I thought about that. I thought about myself and most of my friends and how we are left heartbroken time after time. I envied my aunt she only was hurt once. Then she never knew any other kind of love. Never been kissed out of the blue, never thrown a surprise birthday party, or hugged when she needed to be. Then weighing the pros and cons, I think both of us are not better than one another, not one bit. If I do get my one and only, a certain part of me will always judge according to prior relationships. Then she was never kissed and she did not get hers either. 

In the end, it is not about us having more freedom or being right or even wrong. It is about God’s fate and faith. You have to believe in God knowing best and deal with what comes as it comes, that is faith in fate.

Marwa Arafa


Write them a Love Letter…

In the novel Julie and Julia by Julie Powel, Julie emphasized and thoroughly discussed the new SMS relationships that erupt nowadays. How much easier it is to be intimate in a text then real life now. I was thinking a couple of days back how women and men both should start writing love letters. There is a reason you know why they were so common in the old days. Maybe technology is a double-edged Jagger like many claim. 

The written word never lost its spark or emails would have done the trick right? Word Press and Blogger wouldn’t have made a fortune. We wouldn’t have needed Ezine or Biznik. We would have just made do with LOLs and XOs. But we didn’t and they do make a fortune. Because actual spoken and written words in real handwriting on gorgeous looking paper are important. No matter what culture you come from, background, or upbringing. Our mother’s and grandmother’s have a letter stashed somewhere, right? Whether your grandpa was away on business or fighting the Nazis. A letter was always there hidden somewhere, to take out and reminisce when the days grow weary and the nights grow long.

What will I have to show my kids when they come? A folder in my email inbox. A chat history. How lame is that? And really Julie there is no romance in that at all! All women ever want and keep continuously asking for is romance. How are you supposed to have that when you don’t want to make the simplest effort like writing a letter. On a blog a couple of days back, the blogger’s husband put her sticky notes with words of love all over the house. She found one on the refrigerator when she was reaching for the milk for her morning coffee, another on the cupboard, another on the iron, another on the bathroom door, and another on the door of their apartment, all over the house. She later knew that he woke up 5 am to make her all that. That’s someone who works on his relationship, who does the effort. You want the romance you gotta sweat the sweat.

So don’t tell me that Love Letters are old and had their glory days already. Go write the one you love  a love letter even if it’s on a sticky note that will be thrown away most probably. Tell them you love them, show them that you love them. Write them a Love Letter.

Let me give you a push, it should probably go something like this:

Dear Love,

To me that’s what you are and what you will always be my love. Today, tomorrow, and baby you were my one and only yesterday. I love you won’t do and promises fail. All I have to offer you is my love, heart, and soul. Claim them for they are yours. All yours. For the day my heart set it’s mind on loving you, they automatically became YOURS.

Yours Truly,

A Woman who loves you today, loved you yesterday, and will keep on loving you tomorrow.

Marwa Arafa

Guess there ain’t NO Changing A GIRL LIKE ME But then I am 19 and Crazy =D

When I was ten I got away with stealing cookies, skipping chores, and telling a “bad” man that he was BAD in the face.

When I was twelve I got scolded when I ate too much (as mum started thinking I should start watching my weight), taking out the trash and the dishes were an absolute MUST, and I got glared at when I said NAUGHTY!!!

I did get away with running around the house like a Mad girl though, going out whenever I wanted, and I still enjoyed as ridiculous as it sounds minimum amount of PRIVACY.

Then fourteen came I had to keep my manners in mind as I was growing up to be a “young lady” so, no running around the house for me,

“Be Polite Young Lady”,

Knee beside knee “Keep your legs closed, do not put one leg on top of another”,

and “For Goodness sakes lower your voice”.

“Whose that boy?”,

“That’s my best friend, Daddy, we’ve known each other since we were toddlers”,

“Well you ain’t going out with him alone”,

“Daddy”,

“Don’t Daddy me, that’s a direct order young lady”,

with that went going out whenever I wanted with who I wanted.

“What the Fuck?”,

“Mind your language young lady”,

“That’s my laptop, Fuck that’s my email”,

“God Damn it, your language” ,

and my privacy went with the wind. 

Of course no one suspected me having a boy friend “that young”, so me and my first love went where ever we wanted whenever we wanted (as ironic as it is Daddy was more worried about my friends who were boys then my actual boy friend). There was my grades of course I still could get away with an F and Report Cards such fragile things in the face of forgery!!! Last but not least I still could pull a mini skirt on and get out of the house without a metal detector and 2 security guards aka. mum and dad feeling me up and down. 

Yes yes yes sixteen. Let’s just say that as I get older the amount of things I can actually get away with is most definitely getting smaller and smaller.  I can not squirm a phone call from under my mother’s nose any more and of course my parents strict unconditional belief  in parental supervision on any technological interactions. The no Boys around the house is extended to car, club, and outings. But then what you can’t know can’t hurt you!  Now grades get sent by email and dismissal letters to my home’s mailbox. You don’t want me to go into clothing, make up, and hair really you don’t. 

From sixteen on something changed call it a girl who was shown the way, let out, call it whatever you wanna call it. I woke up and I wasn’t that little girl any more, something snapped. Now I have always been a rebel always but right then and there I just knew that there were things that if not gone through with now, they probably never will take place.

So I just decided to take the hard way and it hadn’t gotten any easier since. I have stories by the stack, all nice, pretty and mad as hell. I am gonna put them in a book one day. But me knowing that I have enough stories for a book doesn’t make the living now any easier. 

It’s hard but I like to think it’s worth it, I like to think so, to convince myself so. 

I carved my motto unto stone “Never be it too late to do a thing. Do what needs to be done. What you feel that must be done. Now before the clock strikes it’s time up. Let your heart lead the way, your soul pave your path, and your faith light your sky along the way like fallen stars”

Then nineteen came and I decided to be crazier then I ever was. I thought you only were seventeen once but it turned you you really are nineteen once 😉 But then I didn’t get a kick out of TWENTY just yet.

No one could ever did know how to change me, but in that area I wouldn’t know how to change me even if I wanted to ^_^

Maybe I am just a Girl like no other and maybe there are tens and thousands of gals like me. Girls who want to settle down yet just want to be free. Girls who are BOLD enough to say Fuck and whose cheeks redden when they are on the verge of receiving a cute compliment. Girls that when love give it there all, yet have enough insecurities and issues to drown Titanic all over again. Girls like me. Gals just like me.

Odds and Ends on MY Way HOME

Lovers come and go. Period, that’s how they are and that’s how they will always be. 

We always prefer to see the story from a forever always prespective but deep down we know that it’s not meant to be and this is not the person I want to wake up beside every morning for eternity but the real question is…

If we know and we do know better then why do we let ourselves go? why do we allow our hearts to be broken time after time?

I think its hope continuous faith that things will change that this time it will be better that we will give it our all and life will work it out ……….Well life doesn’t work anything out thats not its role it just makes matters more complicating. People work things out for themselves or if you are an actual human being you work things out for the people that matter to you too.

Sooooooooo, Whats wrong with us? What the hell is wrong with me ? Oh god I bring it on to myself then I say stubbornly no regrets Gosh screw me I  regret stuff all the time its just for show God its  just for show. When am I going to stop hurting myself dont people do enough of that to me already? Its like I am fishing for troruble in a sea of pirranahs…

So is it a matter of age? Am I too young to figure things out for myself? But I figure stuff out all the time for just about everyone from the janitor to my mum and I know what the problem is I just dont seem to be able to find a solution for it, or maybe I dont want to maybe I like being miserable all the time I prefer a messy life then no life at all horrific drama then to actually wait for someone to make me HAPPY. Isn’t that what you are supposed to be when you are in love Happy…

And, Is this love at all or Am I just  in Love with the Idea of being in Love? Or Is it just making terrible choices time after time?

Everytime I have this illusion that this is it then I wake up to this disasterous nightmare of a broken heart ,a lost soul,a box of napkins and endless tears. People never get what they deserve Good people end up with really bad ones and well poposterous jerks from either sex end up with people so sweet, so perfect that it can almost bring tears to your eyes ='( I am not jeleous or anything i am just stating FACTS.

Soooooooooooooooo Where is salvation ? Is there even such a thing as SALVATION? Should I care if there is? well you know I dont anymore I am going to try to change and give it my all and keep hoping because thats the only thing that I have HOPE Its becoming my middle name =) I have to have faith in tomorrow and myself. I will get through I will find my way HOME just you wait and see I will.


Marwa Arafa

Dumbdey dey Dumb

And then you decide to come back and love me again and foolish me I open my arms for you AGAIN and give it my all give you everything I can and everything you dont deserve, every single time I do and you go on again breaking my heart and soul and leaving me with all these scars to live with forever always .

 But you know what I am not the foolish one you are bec you dont appreciate someone like me, someone you can be sure that you’re going to come HOME and find waiting for you.So actually DUMB YOU and DUMB ME too bec I love you. I love you so much it hurts to even breathe around you.

I want you and just you and I dont know why? Many come and go but you never leave me its like you’re engraved in my soul.I am sooooooo scared that I am actually starting to hurt the people I care for bec of the pain you are inflicting on me and I apologize to them I am sorry forgive me please do.

 You are causing me to lose me, you’re breaking things that only you could fix and you’re not even around and if you are you dont pay attention you see what you only want to see you only hear your own echo.

But I still love you and I have no idea why?


Marwa Arafa

Love Moves in Mysterious Ways My very FIRST Blog Post ^_^

Yes I love you, yes I can’t get you out of my mind, yes yes I love you I really do, and well again darling I love you.

I decided to write about my adventures in love, no they aren’t you’re usual go to a movie and fight over who is paying for the popcorn relationships.

Actually I ain’t sure they could be called relationships to begin with but well this for the poor minds who are reading this to judge. Poor them really I pity who will ever read this.

For now its only me anyway but well life like love moves in mysterious ways, today its just me tomorrow its the world.

Anyway I took the decision to begin writing even start this blog because writing helps me make sense of my life and I really need that right now.

Sense so here I am. I just hope I don’t live to regret this.

I always tell people if you’re trying to make sense of something that just seems and lets stress on seems too freaking complicated ( I have a theory life ain’t complicated because the almighty ain’t complicated, PEOPLE complicate things, PEOPLE make a mess out of life, and that’s probably why I hate all the phrases that are even remotely connected to screw life for screwing me over, ass hole you screw your self over leave life out of it ) anyway yes if you’re trying to make sense of something that SEEMS too damn complicated start with the end.

Period just find the end and let a friend give you a starting shove, just a little one and you’ll be on your way. So I will start my Love Life Fiasco Tale that I will live to regret telling from the end.

I love him and as I move a long you will learn that I have seen enough to know that I really do love him.

I believe in a lot of crappy things that don’t make much sense to a lot of people but me, as you read on you will get used to it at least I hope you do or we’re going to have a real fix to get ourselves out of.

I have faith eventually even if you don’t agree with my ” Stupid” “Idiotic” “Naive” gestures ( that’s what SANE people call them) you will learn to respect them as they are part of me.

Or you will just suck it up in order to get this huge dosage of scary bluntness.

I believe ( here is a warning for beginners) that if you love someone you have to tell them.

They deserve to know, they deserve to know that they are loved, adored, even worshiped.

They deserve to know as they put there heads down on the pillow, looking dreamly out of the window that someone under the starlit sky loves them tonight.

That someone is scouting the gloomy night skies for a shooting star so they can make a wish of not you being there’s forever but for them being yours forever.

How can you live with yourself having deprived the person you love something like that ?

How could you sleep at night ?

And ironically of all the people in the world you do it to the one soul you love.

Goodness Gracious and I am the crazy one.

People let go love and let your tongues be led by your hearts and souls.

Just say I love you.

Be your own luck, get out there and get your own happiness for yourself.

We all know the saying that says if you believe in something or love  someone so much that your heart is about to stop still out of pure passion, let it go and if its yours it will find its way back to you.

That’s just a load full of B.S. the one you love comes to you after he has suffered from a million heartaches and went threw hell three times to find his way back to you.

When he’s finally here he says where were you love all this time and you say I was waiting for YOU.

How pathetic is that ?

All that time wasted gone all this heartache that will never go away for what ? for what ?

Because you were a pussy and didn’t stand your ground and force you’re love to see that if he goes around the world a thousand times he will never find a love more sincere than yours.

You let him, you let him go and if anything I pity you.

You Let Him GO, Poor poor YOU.

And you ask thee maybe I am too naive to see, you doubt you’re heart, strangle your soul, and cuff your throat.

Well what if you were wrong ? what if ?

What if he was meant to be with his ex instead ?

What if he would make me live in misery forever after ?

What if this isn’t my Cinderella Story ? What if ? What if ?

Gosh is there such a thing as fairy tales ?

Are they just fragments of troubled minds to make sure less fortunate souls keep moving on ?

All those what ifs in your pretty little head making your mind explode.

I do really feel sorry for you. I really do.

But not because of the circus in your mind, its for what the circus will deprive you from happiness, love, adventure, hope,…

Be careful think have your guard up but know when to let go as well.

Take risks live and love.

Because as cliche as it really sounds love you only live once.

Don’t wait for the fairy tale in the near or distant future, you falling in your lover’s path is a fairy tale in its own.

Falling in love, having goosebumps and tears of want that’s your fairy tale right there.

A lot of people prefer to play it safe but at the end of the day I would rather be sleepless out of want and desire then doubt and regret, WON’T YOU ?

Love Won’t You ?

 

Tell your best friend of a life time that you love him,

the kind of love that makes your skin have goose pimples when you talk about him

and not the warmth in the heart only.

 

Tell the man or boy you love that you love them for a man will never forget that moment

and will appreciate and cherish it forever,

and for a boy it will be a step in the long road to his manhood.

 

Tell the women you love that you love her

she isn’t too sophisticated or smart or classy for you,

if she chooses you she will be forever yours and nothing else will ever matter silly.

 

Tell the girl you love that you love her.

If she misses her daddy be her backbone, her stone to lean on.

If she needs a lover take her into your arms and kiss her with the love and passion of Anthony and make her your Cleopatra, your Guinevere.

 If she needs a brother be her saviour and never let her feel unprotected, unguarded or unshielded from the thugs and low lives of the world.

 

If he does tell you he loves you make sure you know that

from this moment on you are a mother, a sister, a daughter,

and above all that a lover so may God be with you

and I will grant you my prayers may they aid you on your way HOME

into your lover’s, father’s, brother’s, son’s arms

for from now on you shall be the world to each other.

 

People may and will come and go but forever after you shall be by each others sides.

I bet you didn’t have a clue my love fiascos will turn out like this well neither did I.

 

But may this be a lesson to me before you, a revision on the basics.

 

A reminder to me and a journey for you.

 

Now we’ll have to continue this another day

we are no where near the end just you wait and you’ll see.

Marwa Arafa