“I love you love.”. “These are two loves in one sentence.”. “Well I have to make sure sure that you know how big my love is for you love for my love is more grand than the love of Antonio and Cleopatra, my love will not only sweep you away it will blow your mind and more importantly soul.”. “How many loves are in that sentence ?”. “I have no idea.”. My Matthew he always did know just what to say to paint a smile on my fair lips. Only few knew how to do that. And he did it perfectly. Emma and Matt, what strikes me as odd is that all my boy friends managed to choose the same nickname to call me no matter how hard I tried to make them call me otherwise. I tried to make Matt call me Memiana like Leila used to but he just couldn’t pull it off “Emma I can’t help it, my tongue just acquires a life of its own, damn I said Emma again.”. I just smiled back at him, disappointed yes but never mind no one can have EVERYTHING, right? So looks like me and Emma were stuck, would be for a while too. “Where are my socks?”. “Car keys Emma.”. “We’re going out in five”, “Five minutes but it’s Sunday morning!!!”, “Just get dressed Emma, God damn it.”. “God damn ME.”. You think you got a clue will you don’t, that was me and Matthew. Fresh out of college, him with his classy first class job (courtesy of his Go to Hell already and let us be parents) and me with my free lancing one day with a job and ten days without. “I love you, I have always loved you. I have loved you when I was weak, I have loved you when I was strong. I have loved you when my heart was gasping for breath and when my heart was ferocious enough to take on the world. I have loved you always, through thick and thin. I have loved you through my tears and I have loved you in my laughter. I have always loved you, always. I never stopped and I wouldn’t know how to even if I wanted to.”. That was how it ended. Simply that was how it ended. That was what he told me after he shattered my heart a thousand pieces, that was his reply, answer, explanation or fucking excuse. That was it. So it was me I wondered and sometimes when it grows real quite I still do wonder if it was me.
He put me down gently on a patch of grass. Then he stared down at me, was he tired ? Why did we stop ? This can’t be our final destination, right ? God can’t it be over with already, please. He brought himself down next me and slowly with patience and care lay down beside me. He turned on his side facing me, and as if dying yet not daring to touch me he rested his hands on top of each other and kept them close yet very far away. He drew himself closer reaching with the peak of his noes trying hard to capture my scent and I guess he sort of did as I caught a glimpse of satisfaction in his eyes. I have no idea why but I just lay there exactly where he left me not moving, not a peep came out, and I swear I didn’t even scratch an itch. WHY ? I am a fighter, I have been through hell twice so why ? God Why ? He nearly drove me mad not saying a word. As if he was too scared to utter a stutter and ruin the moment. Staring and longing though I dared not look towards him but I felt him. I sensed the need, the urgency, and the honesty. HONESTY yes honesty I felt it can’t explain it just felt it.
Every time I write a sentence, I let out a whisper, even when I bring my lips together tight trying not to let out the scream that is building up in the bottom of my throat, I think of you. Only you, I know you can listen, I know you can feel me. I just know, and if I knew how I know half of the things I do know life would be this much easier. I just know. My grand mama used to tuck us in bed late at night and we used to ask her “Will he hear us ?”. “Yes my darlings just close your eyes and let your soul call for your lord and he will come to your aid.”. And so we did and he did come, time after time. Little miracles Lily called them, she used to say “Try him out in the little ones Memiana that way he is kept sharp for the big ones.”. Sharp yet not burdened I used to add. Now with the pathetic electronic age I write face book statuses, twitter updates, blog posts and God knows what else in hope that someone somewhere will hear and reply to my desperate cries. “God used to be close when we were young Lily” I asked her once. She looked at me long and hard then suddenly out of the blue said “No I don’t think so, I think we just knew of no one else but him to rely on, so somehow even when he didn’t we made it look every single time like he did answer our prayers and calls.”. “But does that mean that he doesn’t exist!!!?”. “No, I think that just means that as we grow as we learn more of life and love. We complicate the uncomplicated, if only we could find a way Memiana to be forever young at mind and innocent at heart.”. Young at mind and innocent at heart, these words always seem to echo when nothing is left to wander of and about. When silence falls, the skies weep of impatience and no rug can hide my troubles any more. Lily’s words echo and that’s how she lives on and on and on.
To Be Continued…..