“I love you love.”. “These are two loves in one sentence.”. “Well I have to make sure sure that you know how big my love is for you love for my love is more grand than the love of Antonio and Cleopatra, my love will not only sweep you away it will blow your mind and more importantly soul.”. “How many loves are in that sentence ?”. “I have no idea.”. My Matthew he always did know just what to say to paint a smile on my fair lips. Only few knew how to do that. And he did it perfectly. Emma and Matt, what strikes me as odd is that all my boy friends managed to choose the same nickname to call me no matter how hard I tried to make them call me otherwise. I tried to make Matt call me Memiana like Leila used to but he just couldn’t pull it off “Emma I can’t help it, my tongue just acquires a life of its own, damn I said Emma again.”. I just smiled back at him, disappointed yes but never mind no one can have EVERYTHING, right? So looks like me and Emma were stuck, would be for a while too. “Where are my socks?”. “Car keys Emma.”. “We’re going out in five”, “Five minutes but it’s Sunday morning!!!”, “Just get dressed Emma, God damn it.”. “God damn ME.”. You think you got a clue will you don’t, that was me and Matthew. Fresh out of college, him with his classy first class job (courtesy of his Go to Hell already and let us be parents) and me with my free lancing one day with a job and ten days without. “I love you, I have always loved you. I have loved you when I was weak, I have loved you when I was strong. I have loved you when my heart was gasping for breath and when my heart was ferocious enough to take on the world. I have loved you always, through thick and thin. I have loved you through my tears and I have loved you in my laughter. I have always loved you, always. I never stopped and I wouldn’t know how to even if I wanted to.”. That was how it ended. Simply that was how it ended. That was what he told me after he shattered my heart a thousand pieces, that was his reply, answer, explanation or fucking excuse. That was it. So it was me I wondered and sometimes when it grows real quite I still do wonder if it was me.

He put me down gently on a patch of grass. Then he stared down at me, was he tired ? Why did we stop ? This can’t be our final destination, right ? God can’t it be over with already, please. He brought himself down next me and slowly with patience and care lay down beside me. He turned on his side facing me, and as if dying yet not daring to touch me he rested his hands on top of each other and kept them close yet very far away. He drew himself closer reaching with the peak of his noes trying hard to capture my scent and I guess he sort of did as I caught a glimpse of satisfaction in his eyes. I have no idea why but I just lay there exactly where he left me not moving, not a peep came out, and I swear I didn’t even scratch an itch. WHY ? I am a fighter, I have been through hell twice so why ? God Why ? He nearly drove me mad not saying a word. As if he was too scared to utter a stutter and ruin the moment. Staring and longing though I dared not look towards him but I felt him. I sensed the need, the urgency, and the honesty. HONESTY yes honesty I felt it can’t explain it just felt it.

Every time I write a sentence, I let out a whisper, even when I bring my lips together tight trying not to let out the scream that is building up in the bottom of my throat, I think of you. Only you, I know you can listen, I know you can feel me. I just know, and if I knew how I know half of the things I do know life would be this much easier. I just know. My grand mama used to tuck us in bed late at night and we used to ask her “Will he hear us ?”. “Yes my darlings just close your eyes and let your soul call for your lord and he will come to your aid.”. And so we did and he did come, time after time. Little miracles Lily called them, she used to say “Try him out in the little ones Memiana that way he is kept sharp for the big ones.”. Sharp yet not burdened I used to add. Now with the pathetic electronic age I write face book statuses, twitter updates, blog posts and God knows what else in hope that someone somewhere will hear and reply to my desperate cries. “God used to be close when we were young Lily” I asked her once. She looked at me long and hard then suddenly out of the blue said “No I don’t think so, I think we just knew of no one else but him to rely on, so somehow even when he didn’t we made it look every single time like he did answer our prayers and calls.”. “But does that mean that he doesn’t exist!!!?”. “No, I think that just means that as we grow as we learn more of life and love. We complicate the uncomplicated, if only we could find a way Memiana to be forever young at mind and innocent at heart.”. Young at mind and innocent at heart, these words always seem to echo when nothing is left to wander of and about. When silence falls, the skies weep of impatience and no rug can hide my troubles any more. Lily’s words echo and that’s how she lives on and on and on.

To Be Continued…..


A story that has decided to get Told on its own TERMS ;) Unus…

She is falling, she wants to let go.

 She is sane just not silver.

She is too drunk to make out whose carrying her.

But she knows he is no friend.

She tries to make his features out,

she can’t she’s way too drunk.

So she surrenders.


Then suddenly she starts laughing and freaks the hell out of him. The thing is yes just a quote she remembered  “You never do see the devil, till its too late.”, but the irony she did and to that she would have a shot of tequila if she was spared one. What happened to the last meal ? She would have a last drink, but no no no not tequila she would need something stronger vodka would cut it, or brandy but old like minimum thirty year old brandy.


 So she let go, “Mummy yes I love you too”. When was that yes Christmas when I was eight, “Morning sleepy heads”. “But its early”. “Up up you go”. Leila and me “PRESENTS!!!”. “Brush your teeth, oh  dear God”. “But its Christmas”. ” What has Christmas to do with brushing teeth???”. “NOTHING” calling from downstairs.


 Nelly Furtado I’m like a bird playing on the radio my aunt coming in with egg yolk and even us the little ones get some in our plastic cups. Mummy dancing with my aunt around the room to Nelly’s song ” I am like a bird, I don’t know where my soul is, I don’t know where my Home is, baby all I need for you to know, I just fly away”. Spreading there arms like wings for they are just like the birds, me and Leila picking up and spreading our wings into the air too and looking up into the sky. I am like a Bird. But I was eight, just eight and I believed I could fly away.


Emily and Leila the unidentical twins that’s what they called us. We were taught to fly real young and when we did no one believed we could, but we dared to. We knew more because we read it all. We knew  of love from Jane Austen, Elizabeth Chandler, Georgette Heyer , Virginia Wolf, Emily Bronte, Linon de Lenclos, Louise Erdrich and so many more of course.


We knew of Life because we listened to our elders attentively, they used to say to my mother these girls will grow a hundred by ten. And in ways we did. We heard of war, politics, prisons, concentration camps, courts, legends of heroes who were never known, cowards who made it to the big league, in the end we were taught that life is short yet death is a friend not an enemy.


Death is salvation only to whose life were grand enough to be remembered. We were taught that suicide is just another attempt to dodge the ball that is bound to hit you in the stomach. That only if God calls are you spared. That God is the only messiah. The thing is God calls only his loved children but then aren’t we all really his children and isn’t God great and doesn’t he love us all ?


She managed to struggle a little only to be held tighter and the only thing  she could think about is this your salvation Lord or do you want me to face the devil and survive ? Is it my time ? Did you spare me ? Or were my sins burdening me and you wanted to lessen my burden ?


They used to tell us “Act your age you little Weasels! Who are you to speak of Eternity and Love ?”. Like love is only restricted to the old!!!


“I’m cold” she said out loud, he stopped in his tracks took of his jacket and wrapped her with it. So now the demons have hearts!!! A sound inside of her said “More than humans my dear”.


 “So you kissed him, shit Emily did you sleep with the bastard too!!!”. “No I swear, no.”. “Why don’t you believe me?”. “When did I ever lie to you?”. “Always Emma, always.”. As he pushed her to the floor and she was knocked senseless, he kept hitting her over and over again, not a sound came out, not a peep. Then suddenly realising what he had done he knelt down and took her into his arms, ” Emma, my Emma, oh what have I done?”. He carries her to the bath tub and opens the hot water and starts taking her clothe off slowly and places her in the tub under the water. She is hardly breathing and the hot water is making it worse she tries to get out yet fails. He takes his clothe off in a hurry and goes in. “Let’s put some of that lavender bubble soap you like so much”. Suddenly she starts bleeding and the water turns dark red and he says, he screams ” Emma Emma what’s wrong ?” she can’t answer. “Emma, little Emma don’t leave me”. She remembers “Daddy where are you going don’t leave me”. She tries to get out of the tub one more time, she is drowning in her own blood. Drowning naked without a thing to shield disaster off, she is naked. She heaves herself up and hangs unto his neck “Get Me Out”. He throws her in “No”. Then all goes black and the last thing she hears is “NO”.


 It seems like we have been walking forever. She hangs unto his shirt and manages to get out “Where are we going?”. He smirks “For me to know and for you to find out”. She freaked the hell out of him smirking right back “Why this time ? I never did have a clue where I’m going anyway, everyone seemed to know but me”.


 If she ever sees Leila again she will tell her I smirked in the face of the devil. But Leila is gone, she always seems to forget that, in disaster and in laughter. What’s dying anyway I died the day Leila left me. We were supposed to grow old together me and her but she left me, she left me all alone. “I am sorry Memiana I have to go, my time is up”. “No don’t go, I love you”. “Take me with you”. “No you’re time isn’t up yet”. “Some shall live forever Memiana although there lives are very short, they die young yet grow old, Try to be one of them”. “Am I not Lily, am I not?”. “No”. “Lily Lily say something, say something, say something”. “Lily oh God please don’t go, don’t go”.


She started crying out of the blue and the demon halted again not shocked this time just puzzled. “You’re crying”. “I thought angels knew no tears”. “I am no angel”. He threw her to the ground “You ARE”. “Together we shall fly, me and you”. “Though worlds apart, we will fly side by side”. She looked up at him and said “NO”. But he knelt down to claim her anyway.


To Be Continued….