Catching the Wind

“I was in the winter of my life and the men I met along the road were my only summer.” Lana Del Rey.

Many wish they’d be given a heads up when it’s “Their Time” “The Time of Times” we all know when we’re screwed but we don’t know the Golden Moments till they pass through our fingertips like sand…

We recall at seventy with such heartbroken intimacy our priceless moments always ending the memory with, “If I had only known…” “Little did I know…” “I didn’t know  back then that, that was one of THE Moments in my life…” 

Soft Lips, picks up quick too, became a decent – scratch that – superb kisser in absolutely no time… 

Always tasted fresh, innocent despite of everyone and everything that toppled over her and through her…

They wondered how she did but it was quite simple really she walked on… she just made sure to always walk on!

Heels, Sneakers, Cheap or Not! She turned up dirt, printed in the mud, sank in quick sand, and skipped through weeds and grass!

She carried Yesterday with the ignorance of the innocent, hoped for tomorrow with the naivety of school girls, and above all she twirled her way through today….

Never had the terminology but always nailed the context! She never knew how to pronounce Faith but it kept her warm on endless nights of disappointments that seemed for a mere second to bring her as close as she ever got to hear her back snap!

She was always shouting over herself, a child really trying to yell louder than the voice inside… She ran away from Home seeking Glory and came back after many years with nothing more than a trunk load of unforgivable mistakes…

She’s always on her way… Always trying to explain her constant dares and misgivings… but in waste for how can she explain her emptiness, loss, and constant quest for a Home to Souls who had a Resting Place… 

How can she explain that something irreplaceable  is missing from her Heart… She doesn’t know the when, the where, the how, or the who… It’s just Gone.

In constant search for chivalry, for her next knight in shining armor even if he’s just for show! 

Safety and Security being in the Wind… She’s just chasing the Wind! 

No Safe and Sound… A Never Ending Quest… A Fool’s Errand Really!

Catching the Wind…

Take Me AWAY

I’m starting to believe that I can’t live without trouble and as I think about it now the most beautiful moments in my life were in day dreams for I never dreamt by night.

It was like I was scared to let myself dream by night, as if the dream will be less real.

I had a lot of adventures in my fantasy world.

I kissed whom lips I could never touch in the real world, I danced with steps I never knew I could do, I flew over roof tops, over my pain, and sorrow, but the most importantly I was loved.

I could make people love me the way I want to be loved.

But then time after time I felt that my happiness only belonged in my dreams.

I stopped and I just wanted to be happy, for real.

When I finally gave myself time to freaking look at my life I found out that I had all sort of adventures in the real world.

Ironically in the past when I used to brag with a tale woven from my desire and only seen in the depth of my heart, people believed me.

When I started to tell my REAL tales people stared at me wide eyed, I felt more than ever that real life is more insane than my fantasies will ever be.

I just took a real hard look at that and I thought damn people are so complicated.

I mean I must have shown I was lying back then, I must have.

People believed because people feel more comfortable embedded in lies they know they ain’t true, which only proves their view of life as simple and can be cut through with a sharp knife.

But when I told my tales with honesty and they saw in my eyes that I kid no more, that scared the shit out of them.

Maybe not complicated maybe just sad, non believers.

I really don’t know, just failing to understand my own kind so many times in my life is scary.

So oh very frightening but why am I looking to get them when I don’t think they get themselves.

They never look, too scared of what they will find out but maybe I also look too much and too far.

Maybe I aim to figure out what God don’t want me to. Its not that I don’t believe I do.  

But I have always been too curious and yes I know that it killed the cat.

BUT I AM NO CAT.

I just starve for simple, I starve for ignorance, I starve to not know as much as I do, and most of all I starve to just be little again dangling from my mummy’s skirt not knowing, not caring, and just loving.

How I ache for that. How I ache to erase every lesson I have learned, every tear that shed from my eyes, and every ache of desire even before every ache of pain.

Oh how I wish I just didn’t know better that I was just a two year old toddler again, my biggest worry is finding the way to my mum’s side.

Maybe this is what I ought to do now just find the way to my mum’s side and stay there till the end of time.

Where I was safe, where there were no lies to get burned from, no knots to untie and no mistakes to sort out today before tomorrow.

I thought I had rules, I thought they would keep me safe but they just caused me more pain.

So I said the best rule is not to have any rules and I ended up more lost than ever.

I can’t trust and my veins are ageing before there time and are screaming why do we bump life into a dead heart?

You know what I do not know why.

How can I answer a question that I have suffered so long trying to find an answer to myself.

They say a new love brings life back to a wounded heart but how wrong are they!!!

New love, new pain, new hope, new desires, and new disappointments.

So how wrong are they.

I just want, I don’t know what I want, I just want to be ok.

If happy is so damn hard, then dear God I beg you I just want to be ok.

Make me ok.

Just make the ache go away.

Make it end, make it go away.

I just want it to go away.

I held my own hand down this troubled path for so many years and now I just need someone to take my hand and walk me the rest of the way.

I am just too tried to take a step further.

I need someone to take me away.

Take me away.

Fly me away from here.

Love me enough and just take me into your arms and fly.

Dear God just send me someone to take me away.

For a step further I shall not walk.

I thought it was just a part of me that withered away but now that I see myself clearly in the early morning light. ‘

I am dead so take me away from here.

There is just too much that time can not erase…

Marwa Arafa

Are we there YET ?

I remember when I was young, we used to go on road trips my mum used to love showing us EVERYTHING.

She used to say flying is nice but things are real small when you’re up high in the sky, once in a while you need to come down to the ground for a fresh new prespective.

I used to ask are we there yet? half an hour into the trip.

My mum always answered the same answer “Depends on where you’re going darling”.

All through  my childhood I never really understood most of the things my mother said, but as I grew up most of her words and sayings dawned on me in the strangest of places and most oblivious of times.

As I started to turn from a young girl to a young woman, and as I surrendered my heart naively looking for love and the alleged one, I slowly understood what my mama meant.

Slowly with every heart break I understood that getting there, getting to land after  a stormy night is really all about where you’re going in the first place.

If you don’t know where you’re going all you’ll steer to will be mirages.

I spent years pursuing false dreams, faulty lovers, and dead end trails. Years!!!

Year after year and the answer was there always with me I carried it with me.

Too naive, too young baby don’t be so harsh on yourself my mama said.

But I always expected myself to know better, to be better to learn faster to achieve more.

I accepted me to be exceptional in the end that’s what my mama brought me up to be.

Not the best but the only.

Larger than life with more beauty than poor hearts can take.

Take the world by a storm my mama said.

But the thing is the world knocked ME OFF MY FEET time after time.

I left a mark of that I’m sure even on the people that hurt me the most but still every time I broke down and parked on the side of the road, this little part of me shattered in the process of getting the engine started again.

A little part was lost dead and like that it would stay.

I did take the world by a storm and I still do but it ain’t easy.

It ain’t easy being the one and only.

The one who believes in love, cares enough to devote, gives a damn about the forgotten and ain’t afraid to stand in front of the hurricane when people scram like rats looking for their holes.

Being me ain’t easy but it’s worth it.

I went down a lot of paths had been lost all my life and still am.

But maybe the word isn’t lost maybe the train explanation is just a lie, you’re on a moving train and your final station is not here yet and whatever mechanical glitches you have on the way can not be fixed because the train is moving, they can only be fixed once you reach your final destination!!!

BULL SHIT!!!

Who in the world has the soul to wait that long…

So we settle for less and keep wanting way more.

We settle not because we are in doubt of what we deserve or that our time will come EVENTUALLY but because late at night an empty bed is the worst thing that can ever happen to a fierce heart and a raging soul.

What gets me is an empty bed, simple yet profoundly pathetic.

They say till your station comes that lost feeling will keep lingering on top of you like a grey cloud on a rainy day.

Sometimes it will rain on top of you, other times it will NOT, but you will live in the anticipation sick with worry and you will want it to rain already once and for all because DISASTER is too many times is better then anticipating it.

You need to know what you want in order to adjust your sails toward it at times I thought that’s what my mama said.

But I mean come on who knows EXACTLY what he or she wants!!!

Its a quest right? Isn’t it?

Through erring you learn to see the signs earlier than before you learn to not get so attached or at least you try not to.

Sometimes you are too clever for your own good you know catastrophe is on your front steps yet you say I CAN FIX HIM, and he ends up screwing up YOU.

Sometimes you let go because you have been hurt enough and you just can’t afford a possibility of another screw up.

So you lose a good one trying to do the right thing.

Leave yourself to God he knows best but then you started wanting God’s help this much and you start seeing his signs everywhere true or not.

So you fool yourself into belief.

You fool yourself.

I don’t know what’s right or what’s wrong and honestly every time I am in that pit hole I interpret my mama’s words differently to fit my sick wants and desires.

Yes they are sick because they make me sick.

I fall ill because I wanted too much too soon.

I keep saying Patience is Precious and me of all people is incapable of patience.  

So I turn down the lights and I try to stop thinking for ONE SECOND, shut off my brain.

I try and I fail.

I keep thinking, I keep interpreting, breaking sentences to pieces then trying to let them fit together again and I hit a brick wall.

I fall ill and I fall to my knees and maybe that is the perfect position to pray.

So I pray for a sign a TRUE SIGN.

Please dear God I need a sign!!!

Memory Pain vs. Memory Lane

Hiding from the past I try but I can find no where to hide.

For my worst nightmare is in my mind.

Living with me, haunting me and from it I can never hide.

So what can I do?

They say we are the victims of our parents.

 They say that a man’s past is his life saga.

They say this and they say that.

But no one ever said how to get rid of the past once and for all.

 I guess no one ever knew.

They say your past shapes you,

 I say your past breaks you.

 

 You learn, you go through some of the best days you probably will ever have despite the optimistic claims saying “The best is yet to come”, and you also go through some of your worst, longest, and most dreaded days ever. And still you hear things like Move on, hang in there, you deserve better, God will reward you for your patience, and we believe in these simple statements of faith, we think the world of the simple two words Move on. Whether its right or wrong we simply do. But does it matter ? And no I don’t believe that it gets us through because well we get US through.

Words like move on and things like God’s will are like pain killers they help you get through the now but they never heal our wounds. Because the pain stays till you decide that you are ready to let it go.

Its not really letting go anyway its more of a mix of time, patience, and self love.

They say carry your heart on your sleeves, I say carry your heart in your soul and who can penetrate the soul can claim the heart.

They say save yourself for the one, I say be my guest but after you do that tell me how many days HAVE YOU LIVED ?

They claim authority over your life and mine, either you choose to neglect and ignore or you stay forever imprisoned in the What if ? and They shall say.

They say A LOT of senseless useless crap. You’re asking who are they ? Well Mark Twain once said ” Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, its time to pause and reflect.” For the sake of this argument let’s assume that’s true. They are the majority, the crowd, the walk beside the wall people, the play it safe freaks,…. Our lives are full of these people some of them are closer than others, some are family.

They’ve affected US in so many ways more than one especially if you were under the guardianship of one till you were eighteen. So if you were that’s what I consider the PAST. It affected you in numerous ways I get it. But from eighteen on its the past, and it shall stay that way. From eighteen on you can’t say daddy made me do it or mum talked me into it. From eighteen on even if your actions are affected by tragedies of the past, you take full responsibility for them whether you like it or not. So some people break and people treat them like its their own pitiful fault and it is, yet deep beneath the surface the truth is its not.

Even if you moved out at sixteen or eighteen these people are every where. We can’t avoid them, but we can learn to deal with them and control their affect on our lives. If we’re lucky we learn that by twenty five if we’re not and most of us aren’t we get it much later than that. Much later……. which is just plain sad if you ask me.

Simply sad but true anyway. Fifty year old men and women still pay their therapist bills monthly, because mummy said this when she was twelve and daddy did that when she was six. Group therapy, one on one, sponsor, an industry have been made from our ruined pasts. If only we learn to keep the past in the past but is that even possible.

Men always go back to their first wives, your competition is always his ex, and their always that childhood friend that threatens you mere existance by popping up any minute. All of them share one aspect they were the past they left and you came and they could have been in your place too. They all shared the past, they all shared the past with the ones you love, they know more, they know how it felt like and you you know how it feels like and that’s just not enough. Higher advantage and leverage why because they were past.

Even that ex who decided to propose suddenly out of the blue, he had you he lost you you left him and for damn good reasons too and still NO just doesn’t find its way to your lips that easily. Why ? Because he has the past.

Philosophers, novelists, historians and every damn social science junkie all through history have been trying to make you believe that of the three stages in your life past, now, and tomorrow, the now matters the most. Still the past continues to dominate our mere existance. To most of you I might not be making much sense but actually I don’t care because to me I make perfect sense some of most of the time anyhow.

And again maybe I am just another sad pathetic girl who is still mourning over her silly childhood and needs a shrink.

I’ll let you be the judge of that.

Marwa Arafa