أريدك بمقدار م…

أريدك بمقدار ما لا أستطيع أخذك
وأستطيع اخذك بمقدار ما ترفضين ذلك
وأنت ترفضين ذلك بمقدار ما تريدين الاحتفاظ بنا معاً
وأنا وأنت نريد أن نظل معاً بمقدار ما يضعنا ذلك
في اختصام دموي مع العالم !!

غسان كنفاني

Heart Break…

She didn’t have a way out and she didn’t know exactly why!

But why what exactly?

Why did she love him?

Did she love him?

Did she love him only or was there more to him, more to them than that?!

Why did she feel eternally connected to him?

Why did she have to oblige herself to not be obliged to help him?!

Why didn’t she leave earlier?

Why did she care so much, so overwhelmingly much?!

Why did he resemble her so much in being so lost?

Why was she this paranoid with the mere thought of leaving a moment too soon?! 

Paranoid she’d leave just when his walls are about to fall down…

Why was he a mirror of everything that was wrong with her?

Why was the thought of giving up on him hurting just as much as the thought of giving up on herself?!

She knew it in her heart that he was toxic. She was sick with him! He suffocated her… She wanted him safe and sound yet she was the girl who knew better and knowing what she knew yet going toward him…

Again and Again… Was slowly yet steadily killing her…

But his arms were a home by habit…

And he was always simply there by chance!

The dilemma of her loving him or not has become a hazardous occupation! A soul consuming and demolishing one…

The more he gave, the more he took, the more he demanded, the more she sank in his muck! In her own muck!

She furiously turned to God, she wanted him to tell her the whys…

She wanted the almighty to make them even somehow… She wanted him to suffer yet not really, not at all, yet just a little! She wanted him to simply feel her yet not get hurt himself! But is that possible for him even to tiptoe into so much contradictory emotion yet not be completely consumed?! And how can she want to fix whom she could only hazard?! Whom her mere existence hazards!

The betrayal of it all, the emptiness, and the losing him without even ever really gaining him…

The thought of a soul just like her…

The idea of giving up on a soul just like her…

It’s the same thing as giving up on her own self…

All of it was is heartbreaking…

Heartbreaking…

 

Letting Go.

Between what’s right for us, what’s right for them, what’s right in the minds and hearts of the people who love us, and simply what needs to be done! We not only lose ourselves completely but lose them as well…
We may let our imaginations fly about how we’d like it to be, how it’s supposed to be, especially if the person corresponding to you refuses to give you any proper closure or even a fucking explanation!
So we dream, we fantasize…
But here is the thing about matters of the heart, you’re probably, most certainly, absolutely correct about the way you feel and about how they feel too!
If you feel that you love him then you do, even though sometimes you’re pretty sure you really don’t…
If you feel that he loves you, most probably he does…
If you feel that you’re good for her/him then you are.
If you have a deep controlling feeling that his/her kiss would be different and would wash away the pain, then it probably would…
You’re just probably right.
And in light of that when what’s good for them, is not what’s good for you, and when what’s right is really no good for either of you!
Love at it’s best is an oxymoron!
So what to do?
Here comes a choice that you’re forced towards with maturity that doesn’t necessarily come with age…
You can simply move on and tell yourself that it’s just not meant to be, convince yourself with “The Doing Yourself Right” Speech. Put them behind you quietly…
Without too much of a hassle and listening tentatively to everyone who loves you…
But still you’d get a sting right above your heart every time you see them and all your efforts to continuously convince them in attempt to convince yourself that you’re through…
Fails to convince them or you…
Now that’s why Letting Go is more… Well Peaceful.
Once in love, always in love…
Everyone we’ve ever loved, takes a special place in our hearts…
In our souls…
No matter how much they hurt us or don’t, what they do or don’t, if they love us or if they don’t…
Each and every human we’ve ever loved holds a place in our hearts and souls, whether they rightly earned that place or whether they deserve it or not, is simply insignificant…
Everything we feel, we so rightly need and have to feel!
We miss them just cause we do, we miss them when we have them, when we don’t, and we just miss them…
Nothing to be ashamed of not when we have them and certainly not when we don’t!
We feel what we feel when we feel it and whoever convinces you that it’s not okay somehow to feel a feeling you’re feeling, slap them with a chair in the face!
When you Let Go, you just somehow leave it all to God’s already written, way above in the skies, fate…
You Let Go of the expectations, the agony of it all, the what ifs, and what the hells…
You Let Go and allow what will come to come and what may prevail or not to simply prevail or not…
If something fabulous comes your way, you feel astonishingly glad it did and if absolutely nothing good comes what may, then that’s perfectly fine too…
That’s Letting Go.
It’s not simply forgetting or forgiving or starting something new even!
It’s just being okay with whatever whenever…
And that in itself is as close as a miracle as it gets…
A miracle that you can make for you own self, all on your own…
And when you’re simply okay, you start seeing things well differently…
You start taking all your mother’s gibberish blabber about you getting love all wrong, seriously…
Being comfortable with someone, knowing that they’ll take care of you, that they love you in spite of your self, that that all and so much more, is Again a Miracle Yet from God Above…
You start trotting slowly down the road of getting to be okay…
You’re still clueless, and completely lost…
But you’re okay with yourself being so.

So maybe what we’re supposed to aim to be is as simple as being okay?

Can it really be that simple?!

But who said it is?

Cause it truly isn’t.

!طب ما بدري

“أهلاً.”

“أهلاً وسهلاً.”

“تشرفنا.

حضرتك مين يا سيد الناس؟”

“لا عادي معدي و هامشي على طول.”

“تعالى هنا يا روح طنط!

معدي و ماشي إيه و بتاع إيه! هو بانسيون؟ يا حيلتها؟

ده قلبي!”

“إنت رايح فين؟”

“ما هو أنا ماكنتش ناوي أبيت يعني!”

“نعم!

ما هو يا بتحب يا لا!”

“ما هو أنا مش متأكد!”

“يعني إيه يعني!!!”

“مش عارف…

بيني بحبك.”

“الله طب ماشي ليه!”

“مش عارف…

ما هو بيني بحبك آه بس أقعد لا!”

“طب أنا اقتنعت انك بتحبني و الله بجد أنا مقتنعة. 

اقنعتني.

لكن فهمني بقى بتحبني و مش قاعد ليه!”

“ماينفعش أقعد!”

“ليه؟”

“هو كدة؟”

“خايف؟”

“لا!”

“لا خايف…

أنا عارفة إنت خايف!”

“لا مش خايف!

و مش قاعد!

و أعلى ما في خيلك اركبيه يا شاطرة!”

“شاطرة؟

أنا شاطرة؟

هو أنا لو كنت شاطرة كنت حبيتك؟ 

آه يا خيبتي يا أنا…”

“ما هو أنا بحبك!”

“أيوة ههبب بيها إيه أنا ده و أنت مش قاعد!

اصرفها منين و بكام و تدفي قلب ده ولا تشبع  روح!”

“طب أنا ماشي!”

“بتهددني!

الى يقول كدة يقول بسلامته كان قاعد!”

“بحبك و الله بحبك بس معرفش للقعود سكة!”

“سهلة على فكرة…

 تيجي تقعد جمبي بشويش و توشوش في ودني بمحبة و تقول هويت…

هويتني أنا و ده الحقيقة!

أنت هويتني أنا!”

“طب و إذا ذليتيني و كسرتي روحي…

ثاني كسرة روح…

ماقدرش.

مافيش قعود!”

“جبان و عيل و فيك عقد ما ليها وجود ولا حتى في شعر رابنزيل!”

“لا راجل و أجدع من أجدع جدع بس بكفاية!

تعبت و استكفيت!”

“طب و أنا؟

هتلاقي زي ثاني؟

سكت ليه! انطق.

هتلاقي زي ثاني؟!

لا و أنت عارف إن الجواب لا.

و هتمشي بردك؟”

“أيوة همشي.”

“تبقى جبان.”

“لا خايف على روحي…

أهه تغيير.”

“مني؟”

“آه!”

“طب و أنا مش عامل حساب أنا خايفة من إيه و من مين؟”

“هو انتي بتخفاي؟!”

“آه يا قلبي…

لا…

أنا بترعب!

من كل بم،

من كل صوت برة النص،

من كل كذبة،

من كل حاجة…

بخاف من كل حاجة…”

“و عايشة و بتحبي؟!”

“آه.

عشان مش هسمح لروحي تموت بالحيا!

هحب و أتجرح و هقع و هقوم.

سنة الحياه و أنا قررت أعيش.

أما إنت روح شوف لك قبر تمدد فيه.

بكرامتك.”

“أعيش ازاي؟”

“هات شفايفك و أنا أقولك.”

“لا.

افرضي طعمك سليته و اشتقتله و ملكني!”

“أنا مش ماشية… “

“افرضي موتي!”

“نعم!”

“آه افرضي موتي؟!”

“يبقى المكتوب نفذ.”

“هعمل إيه أنا من غيرك؟!”

“هتعيش.”

“لا.”

“آه هتعيش.

و تحب و شفايفك هيملكها غيري…

هتحب و شفايفك هتسلى غيري…”

“لا الدنيا مبتمشيش ولا بتمر من غير حبايبنا!”

“لا بتمشي و بتعدي و بتمر بس بكيفنا و بطوعنا و من غيرهم بتقف زي البيت الوقف.

اسمح لها تعدي و اسمح لنفسك تمر.”

“بحبك.”

“طب تعالى اسلى شفايفي…”

“مشتاق.”

“طب ما بدري!”

 

 

One and Only

 

 

 

Looking…

He was looking at her, with doubt, fear, and blunt regret! Hero or Traitor… He’ll never know… He wanted her now and he wanted more, then again she was always just a tad too much for what he can take and deserved… And all he wanted to prove to his own self was that he’ll long live with, for, and to her… Then again would starting anew mean reliving old tragedies or making new memories? Then he thought our memories break our falls time and time again! So you know what? Long live love,dark tunnels, making memories, and living infinitely through the souls we allow into our lives and this world…