I am insecure, yes I am. And YES I am Man enough to admit it. Though I’ve always hated the phrase Man enough as if I had to state being a Man in order to get any respect ANYWHERE, it’s so unfair. But what is FAIR? Confused, think I am out of the ordinary to say it in a polite manner! Well I AM. I am crazy, insane, plain mad, and yes I do not back down or give up or let go. Even when all the ships in my ports have set off to sea and all my heroes are officially declared missing by the official authorities. I will not let go. I refuse to let go, to give up hope.
I do come on too strong sometimes don’t I? I wrote the last paragraph a while ago and the title too, got saved in the drafts and while I scrolled down them today, the title caught my eye! I love it when my own work surprises the SHIT out of me. I wanted to get a point across to someone who I care very much about, that he will eventually come to my loving arms, I wish! Right? Well now as I read it the first impression is pathetic. But then laughing out of mind I figured out that it never was pathetic to want a man or reject many others and wait just for him. It never was and it never will be, so I came down with the conclusion that I probably ain’t as pathetic as let people on =-D So what am I?
A women in love =) A women who gave up two men in 2011 and will probably give up as many as it takes because she is in love with a man who probably won’t be hers any time soon. But she won’t give up or let go. Not tonight and not ever. Because if my friend of three years can finally come out to the open and tell me I Love You, that just goes to shows that everything you want does come in its own sweet time. No such thing as right time, just the time.
There was once when all I wanted was my best friend, when I wondered how hurt he might be when I am kissed by another. For you know, when you are loved. But he didn’t come and I didn’t love him enough to go to him, turned out I didn’t love him in that way at all. So when he did come all I could think of is my current love ( For maybe that one won’t stay as well, though I am pretty sure deep down inside that it will, somewhere so deep inside, I don’t know where, I just know that he is right and he will stay with me), so I said no. You lose them when you do we all know that no turning round after NO. You just lose them. I knew that much so it took me long enough to say NO. My only friend, my best friend and I was so lonely. Maybe loving a hopeless love is a blessing for if I was the usual me I would have dived head first in love and handled everything as it came along. I have always done that, fell head on. I felt I would be betraying him if I did that. it would take him one look to know that I cherish another. One look, how dare I do that to him, I couldn’t so I let him go. Ended up lonelier then I ever was.
So will I stay like that long? Love is no easy matter in my life and my love for him is so passionate, I just know it won’t go away any time soon. So I slump in bed waiting for something I don’t know the faintest idea of how or what will it be!!! I wait, in desperation, daydreams being my only companions. So I dream by day and lose sleep by night. I dream of everyone but him, that I don’t know why. Maybe because my only dream, wish, is for his heart and how do you imagine hearts? Can you? No, you can envision kisses, hugs, acts of kindness, acts of intimacy, acts of desire and passion, but a heart how can you dream or see a Boy’s HEART…
I only wish for your heart. Your beautiful heart. And I can’t even dream of that…
So I from here, I send you my wish, not to you in person but to the sky, to the moon he always gave me the floor to speak.
“I Love him Moon”
“He knows I told him, in an act of rage, of self-love, I owned myself that”
“If he knows then he must have had an opportunity to come, my dear child” the moon said in reply.
“He is in love with another”
“Well you of all people, me dear child, Hope of sacred beautiful hearts, how could you deprive a women of her man or even think of doing so” the moon said with two of his holes wide in astonishment.
“He doesn’t love me moon, he’s not coming don’t worry, he won’t leave her”
“I do not care about that, you distracted his heart and mind, you troubled her soul, you upset the balance of love” he screamed.
“Moon I love him, where is all your talk about the heart having a mind of his own, I couldn’t help it, I loved him too much, I couldn’t hurt a fly even if I tried too”
“But you did poor poor child. You did, though all I care and cry for now is you” the moon cried.
“At least someone does” I said with tears in my eyes.
“Oh beautiful, I have always loved you, oh dear dear old friend and found child” he sent me two clouds to cry for me, then said,
“There there, they’ll cry for you, now you stop crying please” he forced a smile unto his dust.
“I just love love and it ends me up in the most ridiculous of places”
“No it doesn’t all you have loved had a little good in them and all you will love will have good in them” he continued,
“But the time hasn’t come yet for you to settle down, nor the one to settle down with” he ended,
“Not just yet”.
“Moon will you be there when it does and till it does?”
The moon laughed, “Of course, you taught me what love is and threw at me the most lustrous of tales, I need to know how it all turns out sweetie”
“Moon it just occurred to me that maybe my love to you is the strongest love I have ever loved”
The moon chuckled, “I am taken and honoured but that is just the night, painkillers, and too little sleep, your head will clear in the morning”
He concluded by saying, “Go to bed, little girl tomorrow is just another shot you have at love and life”
“Moon, Can you go around one final time to see if any other broken-hearted girls around for you to talk to sleep, please?”
The moon smiled, “Yes I intend to, but I need to see you off to Wonderland first”
“I am okay, go on, I know you’ll be here tomorrow so it’s okay”
“Sweet Dreams Love, Only for You and I”
His voice echoed, “Only for you and I”
The End of Another Night