She is falling, she wants to let go.
She is sane just not silver.
She is too drunk to make out whose carrying her.
But she knows he is no friend.
She tries to make his features out,
She can’t she’s way too drunk.
So she surrenders.
Then suddenly she starts laughing and freaks the hell out of him. The thing is yes just a quote she remembered “You never do see the devil, till it’s too late.”, but the irony she did and to that she would have a shot of tequila if she was spared one. What happened to the last meal? She would have a last drink, but no no no not tequila she would need something stronger vodka would cut it, or brandy but old like minimum thirty-year-old brandy.
So she let go, “Mummy yes I love you too”.
When was that? Yes Christmas when I was eight, “Morning sleepy heads”
“But it’s early”
“Up up you go”
Leila and I “PRESENTS!”
“Brush your teeth, oh dear God!”
“But it’s Christmas”
“What has Christmas to do with brushing teeth?”
“NOTHING” calling from downstairs.
Nelly Furtado ‘I’m like a bird’ playing on the radio, my aunt coming in with egg yolk and even us the little ones get some in our plastic cups. Mummy dancing with my aunt around the room to Nelly’s song
” I am like a bird, I don’t know where my soul is, I don’t know where my Home is, baby all I need for you to know, I just fly away”.
Spreading their arms like wings for they are just like the birds, me and Leila picking up and spreading our wings into the air too and looking up into the sky. I am like a Bird.
However, I was eight, just eight and I believed I could fly away.
Emily and Leila the un-identical twins that’s what they called us. We were taught to fly real young and when we did, no one believed we could, but we dared to. We knew more because we read it all.
We knew of love from Jane Austen, Elizabeth Chandler, Georgette Heyer , Virginia Wolf, Emily Bronte, Linon de Lenclos, Louise Erdrich and so many more of course.
We knew of Life because we listened to our elders attentively, they used to say to my mother these girls would grow a hundred by ten. In ways we did.
We heard of war, politics, prisons, concentration camps, courts, legends of heroes who were never known, cowards who made it to the big league, in the end we were taught that life is short yet death is a friend not an enemy.
Death is salvation only to whose lives were grand enough to be remembered.
We were taught that suicide is just another attempt to dodge the ball that is bound to hit you in the stomach.
That only if God calls are you spared.
That God is the only messiah.
The thing is God calls only his loved children but then aren’t we all his children and isn’t God great and doesn’t he love us all?
She managed to struggle a little only to be held tighter and the only thing she could think about is this your salvation Lord or do you want me to face the devil and survive?
Is it my time?
Did you spare me?
Or were my sins burdening me and you wanted to lessen my burden?
They used to tell us “Act your age you little Weasels! Who are you to speak of Eternity and Love?”
Like love is only restricted to the old!
“I’m cold” she said out loud, he stopped in his tracks took of his jacket and wrapped her with it.
So now, the demons have hearts!
A sound inside of her said “More than humans my dear”.
“So you kissed him, shit Emily did you sleep with the bastard too!”
“No I swear, no.” “Why don’t you believe me?” “When did I ever lie to you?”
“Always Emma, always.”
As he pushed her to the floor and she was knocked senseless, he kept hitting her over and over again, not a sound came out, not a peep.
Then suddenly realizing what he had done he knelt down and took her into his arms, ” Emma, my Emma, oh what have I done?”
He carries her to the bathtub, opens the hot water, starts’ taking her clothe off slowly and places her in the tub under the hot water.
She is hardly breathing and the hot water is making it worse she tries to get out yet fails.
He takes his clothe off in a hurry and goes in.
“Let’s put some of that lavender bubble soap you like so much”
Suddenly she starts bleeding and the water turns dark red and he says,
he screams ” Emma Emma what’s wrong?”,
she can’t answer.
“Emma, little Emma don’t leave me”.
She remembers “Daddy where are you going don’t leave me”
She tries to get out of the tub one more time; she is drowning in her own blood.
Drowning naked without a thing to shield disaster off, she is naked.
She heaves herself up and hangs unto his neck “Get Me Out”.
He throws her in “No”.
Then all goes black and the last thing she hears is “NO”.
It seems like we have been walking forever.
She hangs unto his shirt and manages to get out “Where are we going?”
He smirks “For me to know and for you to find out”.
She freaked the hell out of him smirking right back “Why this time? I never did have a clue where I’m going anyway; everyone seemed to know but me”.
If she ever sees Leila, again she will tell her I smirked in the face of the devil.
But Leila is gone, she always seems to forget that, in disaster and in laughter.
What’s dying anyway I died the day Leila left me.
We were supposed to grow old together me and her but she left me, she left me all alone.
“I am sorry Memiana I have to go, my time is up”
“No don’t go, I love you”
“Take me with you”
“No you’re time isn’t up yet”
“Some shall live forever Memiana although their lives are very short, they die young yet grow old, Try to be one of them”
“Am I not Lily, am I not?”
“Lily Lily say something, say something, say something”
“Lily oh God please don’t go, don’t go”
She started crying out of the blue and the demon halted again not shocked this time just puzzled.
“I thought angels knew no tears”
“I am no angel”
He threw her to the ground “You ARE”.
“Together we shall fly me and you”
“Though worlds apart, we will fly side by side”
She looked up at him and said “NO”.
But he knelt down to claim her anyway.
“I love you love”
“These are two loves in one sentence.”
“Well I have to make sure sure that you know how big my love is for you love for my love is more grand than the love of Antonio and Cleopatra, my love will not only sweep you away it will blow your mind and more importantly soul”
“How many loves are in that sentence?”
“I have no idea”
My Matthew he always did know just what to say to paint a smile on my fair lips.
Only few knew how to do that.
And he did it perfectly.
Emma and Matt, what strikes me as odd is that all my boy friend’s managed to choose the same nickname to call me no matter how hard I tried to make them call me otherwise.
I tried to make Matt call me Memiana like Leila used to but he just couldn’t pull it off,
“Emma I can’t help it, my tongue just acquires a life of its own, damn I said Emma again”
I just smiled back at him, disappointed yes but never mind no one can have EVERYTHING, right?
So looks like me and Emma were stuck, would be for a while too.
“Where are my socks?”
“Car keys Emma”
“We’re going out in five”
“Five minutes but it’s Sunday morning!!!”
“Just get dressed Emma, God damn it”
“God damn ME”
You think you got a clue will you don’t, that was me and Matthew.
Fresh out of college, him with his classy first class job (courtesy of his Go to Hell already and let us be parents) and me with my free lancing one day with a job and ten days without.
“I love you, I have always loved you. I have loved you when I was weak; I have loved you when I was strong. I have loved you when my heart was gasping for breath and when my heart was ferocious enough to take on the world. I have loved you always, through thick and thin. I have loved you through my tears and I have loved you in my laughter. I have always loved you, always. I never stopped and I wouldn’t know how to even if I wanted to”
That was how it ended. Simply that was how it ended.
That was what he told me after he shattered my heart a thousand pieces that was his reply, answer, explanation or fucking excuse.
That was it.
So it was me I wondered and sometimes when it grows real quite I still do wonder if it was me.
He put me down gently on a patch of grass.
Then he stared down at me, was he tired?
Why did we stop?
This can’t be our final destination, right?
God can’t it be over with already, please.
He brought himself down next me and slowly with patience and care lay down beside me.
He turned on his side facing me, and as if dying yet not daring to touch me he rested his hands on top of each other and kept them close yet very far away.
He drew himself closer reaching with the peak of his nose trying hard to capture my scent and I guess he sort of did as I caught a glimpse of satisfaction in his eyes.
I have no idea why but I just lay there exactly where he left me not moving, not a peep came out, and I swear I didn’t even scratch an itch. WHY?
I am a fighter, I have been through hell twice so why?
He nearly drove me mad not saying a word.
As if he was too scared to utter a stutter and ruin the moment.
Staring and longing though I dared not look towards him but I felt him.
I sensed the need, the urgency, and the honesty.
HONESTY yes honesty I felt it can’t explain it just felt it.
Every time I write a sentence,
I let out a whisper,
even when I bring my lips together tight trying not to let out the scream that is building up in the bottom of my throat,
I think of you.
I know you can listen,
I know you can feel me.
I just know,
and if I knew how I know half of the things I do know life would be this much easier.
I just know.
My grand mama used to tuck us in bed late at night and we used to ask her “Will he hear us?”
“Yes my darlings just close your eyes and let your soul call for your lord and he will come to your aid”
And so we did and he did come, time after time.
Little miracles Lily called them, she used to say,
“Try him out in the little ones Memiana that way he is kept sharp for the big ones”
Sharp yet not burdened I used to add.
Now with the pathetic electronic age I write face book statuses, twitter updates, blog posts and God knows what else in hope that someone somewhere will hear and reply to my desperate cries.
“God used to be close when we were young Lily” I asked her once.
She looked at me long and hard then suddenly out of the blue said “No I don’t think so, I think we just knew of no one else but him to rely on, so somehow even when he didn’t we made it look every single time like he did answer our prayers and calls”
“But does that mean that he doesn’t exist!!!?”
“No, I think that just means that as we grow as we learn more of life and love. We complicate the uncomplicated, if only we could find a way Memiana to be forever young at mind and innocent at heart”
Young at mind and innocent at heart, these words always seem to echo when nothing is left to wander of and about.
When silence falls, the skies weep of impatience and no rug can hide your troubles any more.
Lily’s words echo and that’s how she lives on and on and on.
“I lived to love I want that sentence to be carved on my grave if I do die here tonight”
I found my lips saying that unwillingly as if betraying me.
Like he will honor my final wish, I wish.
But I said it any way, some cross that a lot of things in life need to be said anyway.
Questions need to be asked, feelings need to be let out, and tears need to be shed.
Some things need to be done.
And not because no one else will do them for you but because you deserve answers to your questions,
the one you love deserves to know as he puts his head down to sleep at night on the pillow that he is loved,
and tears need to flow like rivers in the face of who erupted them not behind closed doors.
And so I cried, I let my tears flow,
loud and hard.
I sobbed like no other time in my life though trust me I had many reasons before to cry and most of the time I did cry.
But not like today and not like now.
He didn’t stop this time as if unalarmed,
unafraid and he didn’t twitch a muscle.
Maybe because he knew I had nowhere to go,
I bet he was bragging in his head that I surrendered and that he made me.
People never feared me,
I never took revenge from someone because of something he done to me,
okay maybe once but it was third grade and Leila was the master mind and the damn math teacher had it coming.
“I can be mean”
“No you can’t” Lily said
“Yes I can”
“No you can’t and drop it already”
“I can too just you wait and see”
“You are incapable of hurting a fly so stop it just stop it”
Maybe I was I mean here I am, in the arms of the devil and I am not letting out a squeak.
Coat over coat of makeup.
Powder to hide the scars;
I got more of them from loved ones then enemies.
Concealer for my dark eyelids got them from staying up all night with eyes full of tears.
Eye shadow for complexion,
since people aren’t smart enough to look into the eyes and see true and honest complexion.
Rouge for my pale cheeks;
give them a little color my grand mama said if only she knew that it was no good any more.
Lip stick for my dry shredded lips,
but if you look closely beneath the color you can still see the cracks.
Every morning ten holy minutes are devoted to coloring my face,
This morning I couldn’t hold the powder pad,
the Concealer got in my eyes and caused me a terrible eye burn,
the eye shadow brush couldn’t stay in my trembling hands,
the rouge was spattered all over my face,
and even my beautiful red lipstick stained my chin and nose.
Was it a sign that my days coloring the pale and dead were gone?
That you can only paint and hide the agony for so long,
before it surfaces anyhow and I knew that it would,
I used to decorate all the colors with a smile to hold them together,
to hold all the colors together.
But this morning all I had the will to do was to cry.
Only tears found their way out.
No will left to gather enough energy to force a smile unto my lips.
Maybe that’s how he found me;
I had no more energy in me to run or hide behind my colors and laugh,
maybe that is how he found me.
Or was he here all along waiting lurking in the shadows waiting for an opportunity
and when I surrendered he came in
or maybe it’s more of pulled me out.
I have issues,
I am a mess,
and I am a walking disaster a disgrace.
But I am a mess that loves you.
A strong mess,
one that survives hurricanes,
with a smile on her face.
A mess you would like in your life no matter how and who she is in your life.
A mess worth having and putting up with.
A mess that will kiss you to pieces if she’s mad at you and complain of you to you.
For since you are her savior it would be useless to complain to anyone else.
Not too old and not too inexperienced for she knows more of this beautiful world than you.
A mess that is messed up in every sense of the world but knows one FACT that she loves you.
A keeper, one you will never regret letting in your life.
A heart that has shed many tears yet never cried for a man ever.
Truly cried I mean,
even when they leave or cheat or double cross.
Only tears she shed for men were childish tears of frustration.
Not tears of pure want and desire.
Not a sad what did I do for the world to do to me this mess,
a good mess.
A proper mess,
a mess that loves you today will love you tomorrow and loved you yesterday.
A once in a lifetime mess, a mess to remember,
a mess that you will miss and crave for without ever knowing its true taste.
I am a mess
but I am a mess that LOVES YOU.
Truth is by the looks of it I am not the only mess that does
and you deserve better much better
but I can’t help myself.
A sucker for lost causes yup that’s me.
They say when you get your heart broken time after time;
you hide it away in fear of losing it once and for all,
well not me.
Every time I hit a brick wall,
I start bleeding each time I bleed more
and the ICU if it was given a voice it would scream to the world save that girl from her own stubbornness.
But it’s not stubbornness its hope.
Hope that when I find love it will heal it all.
Heal everything and everything will seem so small.
But I can’t find love now
and I am falling apart and for now I need you.
Just for now, come to me.
I begged and pleaded,
spare me what’s left of my dignity and come to me.
Choosing between trying to let go and fighting harder,
a dilemma that was never solved nor will it be anytime soon.
Don’t know why I remembered that now but that was my first ever published article,
more of a column who I wrote it for then never got it or maybe he did I’ll never know.
You see a girl’s first, last and only man in her life is her father.
It will always stay that way
if the father leaves or just seems to not love her anymore
a girl can end up in a sad predicament.
She goes looking for love and hope.
She shields herself up with faith
but it withers away
and she ends up wanting all the wrong men for all the wrong reasons.
Maybe that’s how I ended up writing that no matter how true it truly is.
My mummy has always been my stone and fire.
God if she was here right now she would be disgraced horrified even.
I mean the women’s will was poetry and her legacy was paper with words scribbled on them like lost songs that she meant just for me and Lily to sing.
She said first of all Love never fear Life.
For Life is God’s work and it is perfect.
People pollute it with Greed, Hate and Ignorance and others decorate it with Love, Passion and Devotion.
Second of all knowing that your Life may end any second should make you more passionate than ever,
more faithful to God than ever,
and more devoted to leaving a mark in this world than ever.
It shouldn’t make you live Life with less passion but with more gratefulness.
For being here,
for opening your eyes every morning.
To God you should pray not for a long life but a meaningful one.
You should pray that people don’t cry in your funeral
but smile because you were that beautiful
and you would like to see them their foreheads pointed to heaven smiling
and their hands pointed to the sky praying for YOU.
At the end work to be remembered as a Candle in the Wind.
Oh what have I done to thee!
Mummy if only you knew that of all the things I have done
the matter that I regret the most is
letting you down.
Maybe I can fight.
There is no too late just the right time.
As I slowly started to struggle he felt my will
and in an act of defiance to me
and my new found hope he threw me up.
Up not down I was puzzled not terrified.
He threw me up then caught me mid air
and held me close to his heart.
I heard his heart beat
and I started timing my heart to beat with his
and together we moved on not up on one heart beat.
Too naive, too young baby don’t be so harsh on yourself my mama said.
But I always expected myself to know better,
to be better to learn faster to achieve more.
I accepted me to be exceptional
in the end that’s what my mama brought me up to be.
Not the best but the only.
Larger than life with more beauty than poor hearts can take.
Take the world by a storm my mama said.
But the thing is the world knocked me off my feet,
time after time.
I left a mark of that I’m sure
even on the people that hurt me the most
but still every time I broke down
and parked on the side of the road,
this little part of me shattered in the process of getting the engine started again.
A little part was lost dead and like that it would stay.
I did take the world by a storm
and I still do but it ain’t easy.
It ain’t easy being the one and only.
The one who believes in love,
cares enough to devote,
gives a damn about the forgotten
and ain’t afraid to stand in front of the hurricane
when people scram like rats looking for their holes.
Being me ain’t easy
but it’s worth it.
I went down a lot of paths had been lost all my life
and still am.
But maybe the word isn’t lost
maybe the train explanation is just a lie,
you’re on a moving train
and your final station is not here yet
and whatever mechanical glitches you have on the way
cannot be fixed because the train is moving,
they can only be fixed once you reach your final destination!
Who in the world has the soul to wait that long.
So we settle for less and keep wanting way more.
We settle not because we are in doubt of what we deserve
or that our time will come EVENTUALLY
but because late at night an empty bed is the worst thing
that can ever happen to a fierce heart and a raging soul.
What gets me is an empty bed,
simple yet profoundly pathetic.
So is that why I surrender because even the devils arms are better than none.
No I will go not on but up.
I refuse to believe that this is I.
No it’s simply not.
They say till your station comes,
that lost feeling will keep lingering on top of you,
like a grey cloud on a rainy day.
Sometimes it will rain on top of you,
other times it will NOT,
but you will live in the anticipation sick with worry
and you will want it to rain already once and for all
because DISASTER is too many times better then anticipating it.
That’s the thing I saw this coming a mile off.
I knew it.
Knew the end yet let go of ME anyway.
You need to know what you want
in order to adjust your sails toward it.
But I mean come on who knows EXACTLY
what he or she wants?
It’s a quest right?
But through erring you learn to see the signs earlier than before.
It’s always about love always.
In time you learn to not get so attached
or at least you try not to.
Sometimes you are too clever for your own good
you know catastrophe is on your front steps yet you say I CAN FIX HIM,
and he ends up screwing up YOU.
Sometimes you let go because you have been hurt enough
and you just can’t afford a possibility of another screw up.
So you lose a good one trying to do the right thing.
Leave yourself to God he knows best
but then you started wanting God’s help this much
and you start seeing his signs everywhere true or not.
So you fool yourself into belief.
You fool yourself.
I don’t know what’s right or what’s wrong
and honestly every time I am in that pit hole
I interpret every word that comes out from anyone who gives a damn about me
differently to fit my sick wants and desires.
Yes they are sick because they make me sick.
I fall ill because I wanted too much too soon.
I keep saying Patience is Precious
and me of all people is incapable of patience.
But I have been waiting too long
and I went through too much
but maybe because I just wanted too much too soon
and I saw the signs the way I want to not should.
So I turn down the lights in my mind
as they have been alert as ever through this journey
and I try to stop thinking for ONE SECOND,
shut off my brain.
I try and I fail.
I keep thinking,
I keep interpreting,
breaking sentences to pieces then trying to let them fit together again,
and I hit a brick wall.
What did he mean when he said together
and what does he really want from me.
I fall ill
and I know if I was standing
I would have fell to my knees in my mind
I imagine that I do
and that is the perfect position to pray.
So I pray for a sign a TRUE SIGN.
Please dear God I need a sign!
Lily once said to me when she was on the verge of another of her liaisons,
“So do I? Shall I? Dare I? Go for it, him??? Pursuit let go AGAIN!!! Or do I put all my ridiculous experience to good use and actually attempt to play my cards RIGHT?”
I answered “Cards you think love is a game?!”
“Of course it is”
“In my naive view which I have obtained from all the shitty pit holes I allowed myself to fall in, it’s just that a game a bet that you take sometimes you win and others you lose”
“What if the time you start playing smart is the only time you are supposed to simply fall for Mr. Right?”
“Fall! I fell before, hard and shattered a million pieces too. But they do say that there is a falling without the shattering part, if there is I ain’t seen it, yet”
“You always do like to add the yet right?” I answered.
“Yes I do always like to add yet, it reminds that there is still things I haven’t seen, ships still I haven’t boarded, places I haven’t set foot in, and sex I haven’t had”
“So is the yet coming to an end or is this another jump from a twelve story building?” I asked.
“I have no idea all I know is that I am falling in love again and no I’m not drooling over every single guy that comes around my block”
“I never said you were” I giggled.
She went on “Yes you can love more than one person at the same time and it doesn’t mean that you are incapable of loving it just means that your heart is bigger than anyone else’s, as simple as that”
“Of that I am sure” and I made a knowing face.
“Stop pissing me off what are you nodding me off for?”
“I am nodding you off because you haven’t quite moved up yet but you’re moving on”
“Of course I am life goes on love and it runs so you better learn how to catch it or it will slip right by way in a jiffy”
“Lily you know me of all people if I would be ever charged with something it would be loving love, but you need to actually take the time to know, love, and understand the person in front of you”
“ You know what I just realised that it is time to fall yet again. Whether I’ll fall smartly or stupidly, I’ll fall in the end we just fall. I am ready to fall again”
“Do you even hear words or do you just see lips moving?!”
“I see you talking and all I can hear is bla bla bla, the question is will I be caught before I hit the ground this time?”
That was my Lily alright.
But as time went by I realized I was more like her than I thought.
But it took her to leave me alone once and for all for me to realize that.
What would Lily have done?
Not give up of that I am certain.
Kiss me, kiss me senseless she screamed, kiss me.
Why are you so scared?
What are you scared of?
Kiss me, NOW!
Demand my love, attention and kiss me.
Kiss me hard,
don’t sweep me away that’s bull shit,
but absorb me completely take me in
and force me to look into those beautiful eyes of yours.
Force me to look,
force me to see please don’t love me silently.
Silent love is like salt on open wounds,
hurts like hell and never heals.
So kiss me, you say society forbids you,
Screw customs, rules, laws and traditions, screw them all.
Just let go this once and kiss me.
It’s one kiss what are you afraid of?
That after it you will have to face your emotions, fears, denial and deal with your love to me once and for all.
Its gonna happen eventually so why don’t you just crown it with a kiss.
A kiss of desire, of want, of need, a passionate kiss, and no I don’t take matters of the heart or expressions of love lightly.
To me a kiss is a promise,
it’s you giving me your word that you will come again
and that this ain’t over yet.
Is that what you’re scared off?
That I’ll come and threaten you
and turn your life upside down wanting more than a mere kiss.
Well I already did, you fool, your heart is mine,
I haunt your thoughts, dreams.
I give you nightmares
and no the want won’t decrease after kissing me
and you will be the one clinging to your heart after midnight
in pain of pure want.
Clinging and clutching wanting me more than you’ve ever wanted anyone else.
You before I.
You before I.
Maybe to me you are just a childish love.
But to you I have become an obsession,
don’t you dare deny it. I know,
I know everything.
I can feel you.
I can feel it all.
So just come,
let yourself go
and come to me.
I won’t promise open arms
and yes yes you will get a piece of my mind for making me wait this long.
But in the end you will be in your temporary home.
Maybe not where you belong,
certainly not where I belong but then who knows?
Maybe just maybe.
You never know.
Maybe I do become your Home
or maybe your arms turn out to be big enough for the woman I am.
But for now you are no Messiah just another lost boy who needs time to find his way into my arms.
I am tempted to add that I have had my share of boys for a life time they need constant care and pampering
and are far from satisfactory.
But just you and then I’m done
but then you never know.
When was that?
Oh yes high school well before the worst days befell.
Oh how naïve I was and how little I knew two boy friends
and I was talking about having had my share!
Never mess with an artist especially a writer
for rest assured you will be documented and it ain’t gonna be pretty.
What made me remember that now?
Oh yes the rebel in me is awakening
or is it really
or is this just a walk down memory lane,
a final one.
To that I dedicated these words if I had a pencil on me I would write them.
People always joked about me and pencils,
“Loser pens are much classier” to them I say,
“Suckers pencils are erased”,
and I want one thing in my life to actually be erasable.
Hiding from the past I try but I can find nowhere to hide.
For my worst nightmare is in my mind.
Living with me, haunting me and from it I can never hide.
So what can I do?
They say we are the victims of our parents.
They say that a man’s past is his life saga.
They say this and they say that.
But no one ever said how to get rid of the past once and for all.
I guess no one ever knew.
They say your past shapes you,
I say your past breaks you.
Philosophers, novelists, historians and every damn social science junkie all through history have been trying to make you believe that of the three stages in your life past, now, and tomorrow, the now matters the most.
Still the past continues to dominate our mere existence.
To most of you I might not be making much sense but actually I don’t care because to me I make perfect sense,
some of the time anyhow.
And again maybe I am just another sad pathetic girl
who is still mourning over her silly childhood
and needs a shrink.
I’ll let you be the judge of that.
Why do you stay?
She can’t love you like me,
I swear to God she can’t no one can.
It’s no arrogance love
and I’m certainly not being too pompous for little old you.
But no one will ever love you like I can, will, and do.
I mean loving you this much even if you’re not mine,
even if you never were
and probably never will;
loving you this much gives me rights DOESN’T IT?
Loving you with my heart, soul and creation gives me a right to claim your heart doesn’t it?
I claim your heart darling I do.
And dare anyone place a higher bid than I, Dare ANYONE?
See no voices in the crowd baby,
no voices no one dares to utter a stutter,
afraid of me no they just respect my love for you something you never did and probably never will.
They respect me;
they took the time to listen to my heart beats,
for their echo is so loud mountains shake.
Mountains shake in the face of my love,
in the face of my heart beat
and you don’t.
How ironic is that?
and I shall teach your heart how to see the signs of a love so pure that it shall rock you till the core.
shake in fear,
shake in confusion,
shake in disappointment,
shake in regret,
shake just shake.
No matter how and why you shake,
you must be better off than me,
for do you know how painful it is to shake of the unknown,
shake of pure desire,
shake of want and need,
Shake maybe I’ll feel better this way darling just shake,
shake for me.
Since understanding is out of the question
(I am no way near you to explain anyhow),
and since sensing is also a far away dream
(since your heart is occupied with another),
Shake to tears;
maybe they can wash away my pain, maybe.
Maybe I can feel okay if you shake,
so baby can you shake for me?
Will you, could you please?
What happened to me I am born to fly,
to love a thousand times,
at least I thought I was.
I used to look out the window
and tell my dreams to the stars
but now I just whisper my only desire to the dark.
I used to talk to the moon and to me he spoke.
For to me the moon spoke,
he was as a newborn uttering his first words.
“I am yours, I shall be forever your companion, your rock. I shall listen and you shall have the floor for eternity to speak”
I forced the moon to speak.
This is how beautiful I am,
I made the moon speak.
What did she do?
What did she do?
I was destined for glory
and a part of me wants to believe I still am
but deep down I know that I will never be the same again, ever.
You see love does mend hearts and heal souls.
But love broke me, it did love.
Love broke me.
How could you love?
Haven’t I been preaching for your sake all my life?
Making people believe that you exist,
when you seemed to do nothing
but drive them through walls
and end them up on hospital beds,
I of all people how could you?
Me I believed,
I still do, despite the odds I still do.
I just want to go HOME away from here.
I need to go away,
to fly away,
to go back home.
Though I don’t really know where that is any more
I am pretty sure it will find me.
At least I hope.
Home find me I am here.
For you are lost and I don’t have a clue where to find you
so Home find me,
I need to go away,
I have had enough,
and I just want to go home.
But I am too smart for my own good even in being lost.
The one that broke thee is the one that mends thee.
No one else shall ever succeed in patching up my broken heart
And you are the farthest person away,
yet actually you stay with me.
In thought, heart and soul.
You stay and will stay for some time of that I am sure,
Words that melt the heart and soul, right?
Imagine who I wrote and sent it to,
Lily’s boy friend, my Lily.
But in my defense she didn’t loved she wore him like jewelry,
but that doesn’t justify my act.
But I loved him at least I thought I did.
Can’t forget that night.
“Take him Memiana but you won’t stay together a fort night!”
and we didn’t,
when he wasn’t a ring around my Lily’s finger anymore,
he was just a wimp,
a plain coward to say the least.
We never did speak of it again
but oh God is this my life flashing before my eyes am I going to die.
“No you won’t” a voice inside me called,
and an echo echoed “Rise”.
This morning I wrote,
I haven’t done that in a while,
and as I started to lay my hand on the paper it shook.
But eventually I started
and maybe I never should have now that I think of it,
I wished it.
I wished him.
But God I wished a love not a demon.
But maybe he isn’t one.
I wrote: I’m starting to believe that I can’t live without trouble and as I think about it now the most beautiful moments in my life were in day dreams for I never dreamt by night.
It was like I was scared to let myself dream by night, as if the dream will be less real.
I had a lot of adventures in my fantasy world.
I kissed whom lips I could never touch in the real world,
I danced with steps I never knew I could do,
I flew over roof tops, over my pain, and sorrow,
but the most importantly I was loved.
I could make people love me the way I want to be loved.
But then time after time I felt that my happiness only belonged in my dreams.
I stopped and I just wanted to be happy, for real.
When I finally gave myself time to freaking look at my life,
I found out that I had all sort of adventures in the real world.
Ironically in the past when I used to brag with a tale woven from my desire and only seen in the depth of my heart,
people believed me.
When I started to tell my REAL tales people stared at me wide eyed,
I felt more than ever that real life is more insane than my fantasies will ever be.
I just took a real hard look at that
and I thought damn people are so complicated.
I mean I must have shown I was lying back then, I must have.
People believed because people feel more comfortable embedded in lies they know they ain’t true,
which only proves their view of life as simple and can be cut through with a sharp knife.
But when I told my tales with honesty and they saw in my eyes that I kid no more,
that scared the shit out of them.
Maybe not complicated maybe just sad, non believers.
I really don’t know,
just failing to understand my own kind so many times in my life,
So oh very frightening,
but why am I looking to get them,
when I don’t think they get themselves.
They never look,
too scared of what they will find out
but maybe I also look too much and too far.
Maybe I aim to figure out what God don’t want me to.
It’s not that I don’t believe I do.
But I have always been too curious
and yes I know that it killed the cat.
BUT I AM NO CAT.
I just starve for simple,
I starve for ignorance,
I starve to not know as much as I do,
and most of all I starve to just be little again,
dangling from my mummy’s skirt not knowing,
and just loving.
How I ache for that.
How I ache to erase every lesson I have learned,
every tear that shed from my eyes,
and every ache of desire even before every ache of pain.
Oh how I wish I just didn’t know better,
that I was just a two year old toddler again,
my biggest worry is finding the way to my mum’s side.
Maybe this is what I ought to do now,
just find the way to my mum’s side and stay there till the end of time.
Where I was safe, where there were no lies to get burned from,
no knots to untie,
and no mistakes to sort out today before tomorrow.
I thought I had rules,
I thought they would keep me safe
but they just caused me more pain.
So I said the best rule is not to have any rules
and I ended up more lost than ever.
I can’t trust
and my veins are ageing before their time
and are screaming why do we bump life into a dead heart?
You know what I do not know why.
How can I answer a question that I have suffered so long trying to find an answer to myself?
They say a new love brings life back to a wounded heart but how wrong are they!
New love, new pain, new hope, new desires, and new disappointments.
So how wrong are they.
I just want, I don’t know what I want, I just want to be ok.
If happy is so damn hard, then dear God I beg you I just want to be ok.
Make me ok.
Just make the ache go away.
Make it end, make it go away. I just want it to go away.
I held my own hand down this troubled path for so many years
and now I just need someone to take my hand and walk me the rest of the way.
I am just too tried to take a step further.
I need someone to take me away.
Take me away.
Fly me away from here.
Love me enough and just take me into your arms and fly.
Dear God just send me someone to take me away.
For a step further I shall not walk.
I thought it was just a part of me that withered away
but now that I see myself clearly in the early morning light.
I am dead so take me away from here.
There is just too much that time cannot erase.
I did wish for my own end
and yes curiosity did kill the cat
or in my case kill me
or am I exaggerating things?
“When I was young twenty’s I decided to write a book it was intended to be called “My Adventures in Life and Love””
I didn’t notice that I had said it out loud till after I heard the echo of my voice.
He looked at me with weary eyes and said “Recite from it”.
“I said I don’t remember any of it”
“He said yes you do, I’ll help, I’ll lay you down so you can speak freely”
“I answered NO”
“He said I demand you to speak and laid me on the ground”, I cried.
“Yes I love you, yes I can’t get you out of my mind, yes yes I love you I really do, and well again darling I love you. I decided to write about my adventures in love, no they aren’t you’re usual go to a movie and fight over who is paying for the popcorn relationships.
Actually I ain’t sure they could be called relationships to begin with but well this for the poor minds who are reading this to judge. Poor them really I pity who will ever read this.
For now it’s only me anyway but well life like love moves in mysterious ways, today it’s just me tomorrow it’s the world. Anyway I took the decision to begin writing even start this blog because writing helps me make sense of my life and I really need that right now.
Sense so here I am. I just hope I don’t live to regret this.
I always tell people if you’re trying to make sense of something that just seems and lets stress on seems too freaking complicated,
( I have a theory life ain’t complicated because the almighty ain’t complicated, PEOPLE complicate things, PEOPLE make a mess out of life, and that’s probably why I hate all the phrases that are even remotely connected to screw life for screwing me over, ass hole you screw yourself over leave life out of it ),
anyway yes if you’re trying to make sense of something that SEEMS too damn complicated start with the end.
Period just find the end and let a friend give you a starting shove, just a little one and you’ll be on your way.
So I will start my Love Life Fiasco Tale that I will live to regret telling from the end.
I love him and as I move a long you will learn that I have seen enough to know that I really do love him.
I believe in a lot of crappy things that don’t make much sense to a lot of people but me,
as you read on you will get used to it at least I hope you do or we’re going to have a real fix to get ourselves out of.
I have faith eventually even if you don’t agree with my “Stupid” “Idiotic” “Naive” gestures (that’s what SANE people call them) you will learn to respect them as they are part of me.
Or you will just suck it up in order to get this huge dosage of scary bluntness.
I believe (here is a warning for beginners) that if you love someone you have to tell them.
They deserve to know, they deserve to know that they are loved, adored, even worshiped.
They deserve to know as they put their heads down on the pillow, looking dreamily out of the window that someone under the starlit sky loves them tonight.
That someone is scouting the gloomy night skies for a shooting star so they can make a wish of not you being there’s forever but for them being yours forever.
How can you live with yourself having deprived the person you love something like that?
How could you sleep at night?
And ironically of all the people in the world you do it to the one soul you love.
Goodness Gracious and I am the crazy one.
People let go love and let your tongues be led by your hearts and souls.
Just say I love you.
Be your own luck, get out there and get your own happiness for yourself.
We all know the saying that says if you believe in something or love someone so much that your heart is about to stop still out of pure passion, let it go and if it’s yours it will find its way back to you.
That’s just a load full of B.S. the one you love comes to you after he has suffered from a million heartaches and went through hell three times to find his way back to you.
When he’s finally here he says where were you love all this time and you say I was waiting for YOU.
How pathetic is that?
All that time wasted gone all this heartache that will never go away, for what?
Because you were a pussy and didn’t stand your ground and force you’re love to see that if he goes around the world a thousand times he will never find a love more sincere than yours.
You let him, you let him go and if anything I pity you.
You Let Him GO, Poor poor YOU.
And you ask thee maybe I am too naive to see, you doubt you’re heart, strangle your soul, and cuff your throat.
Well what if you were wrong?
What if he was meant to be with his ex instead?
What if he would make me live in misery forever after?
What if this isn’t my Cinderella Story?
Gosh is there such a thing as fairy tales?
Are they just fragments of troubled minds to make sure less fortunate souls keep moving on?
All those ifs in your pretty little head making your mind explode.
I do really feel sorry for you. I really do.
But not because of the circus in your mind,
it’s for what the circus will deprive you from happiness, love, adventure, hope,
be careful think have your guard up but know when to let go as well.
Take risks live and love.
Because as cliché as it really sounds love you only live once.
Don’t wait for the fairy tale in the near or distant future,
you falling in your lover’s path is a fairy tale in its own.
Falling in love, having Goosebumps and tears of want that’s your fairy tale right there.
A lot of people prefer to play it safe
but at the end of the day I would rather be sleepless out of want and desire then doubt and regret, WON’T YOU?
Love Won’t You?
Tell your best friend of a life time that you love him, the kind of love that makes your skin have goose pimples when you talk about him and not the warmth in the heart only.
Tell the man or boy you love that you love them for a man will never forget that moment and will appreciate and cherish it forever, and for a boy it will be a step in the long road to his manhood.
Tell the women you love that you love her she isn’t too sophisticated or smart or classy for you, if she chooses you she will be forever yours and nothing else will ever matter silly.
Tell the girl you love that you love her.
If she misses her daddy be her backbone, her stone to lean on.
If she needs a lover take her into your arms and kiss her with the love and passion of Anthony and make her your Cleopatra, your Guinevere.
If she needs a brother be her savior and never let her feel unprotected, unguarded or unshielded from the thugs and low lives of the world.
If he does tell you he loves you make sure you know that from this moment on you are a mother, a sister, a daughter, and above all that a lover so may God be with you and I will grant you my prayers may they aid you on your way HOME into your lover’s, father’s, brother’s, son’s arms for from now on you shall be the world to each other.
People may and will come and go but forever after you shall be by each others sides.
I bet you didn’t have a clue my love fiascos will turn out like this well neither did I.
But may this be a lesson to me before you, a revision on the basics.
A reminder to me and a journey for you.
Now we’ll have to continue this another day we are nowhere near the end just you wait and you’ll see”
He looked at me in awe.
Then asked “Who did you intend this for?”
I answered “No one”
He said “Liar”
“I swear it’s true, I just made that all up”
“But it had so much emotion and love in it, was I the one this was meant for”
His eyes almost ached in desire of him to be the one.
I realized suddenly that he was just a lost child yes a con he might be but lost all the same.
I rose myself slowly and headed for him and took him in my arms.
He was overwhelmed with fear that all his muscles tensed at once.
But slowly he started relaxing and laid his head on my shoulder.
He said “I just wanted to be loved”.