It was like I was scared to let myself dream by night, as if the dream will be less real.
I had a lot of adventures in my fantasy world.
I kissed whom lips I could never touch in the real world, I danced with steps I never knew I could do, I flew over roof tops, over my pain, and sorrow, but the most importantly I was loved.
I could make people love me the way I want to be loved.
But then time after time I felt that my happiness only belonged in my dreams.
I stopped and I just wanted to be happy, for real.
When I finally gave myself time to freaking look at my life I found out that I had all sort of adventures in the real world.
Ironically in the past when I used to brag with a tale woven from my desire and only seen in the depth of my heart, people believed me.
When I started to tell my REAL tales people stared at me wide eyed, I felt more than ever that real life is more insane than my fantasies will ever be.
I just took a real hard look at that and I thought damn people are so complicated.
I mean I must have shown I was lying back then, I must have.
People believed because people feel more comfortable embedded in lies they know they ain’t true, which only proves their view of life as simple and can be cut through with a sharp knife.
But when I told my tales with honesty and they saw in my eyes that I kid no more, that scared the shit out of them.
Maybe not complicated maybe just sad, non believers.
I really don’t know, just failing to understand my own kind so many times in my life is scary.
So oh very frightening but why am I looking to get them when I don’t think they get themselves.
They never look, too scared of what they will find out but maybe I also look too much and too far.
Maybe I aim to figure out what God don’t want me to. Its not that I don’t believe I do.
But I have always been too curious and yes I know that it killed the cat.
BUT I AM NO CAT.
I just starve for simple, I starve for ignorance, I starve to not know as much as I do, and most of all I starve to just be little again dangling from my mummy’s skirt not knowing, not caring, and just loving.
How I ache for that. How I ache to erase every lesson I have learned, every tear that shed from my eyes, and every ache of desire even before every ache of pain.
Oh how I wish I just didn’t know better that I was just a two year old toddler again, my biggest worry is finding the way to my mum’s side.
Maybe this is what I ought to do now just find the way to my mum’s side and stay there till the end of time.
Where I was safe, where there were no lies to get burned from, no knots to untie and no mistakes to sort out today before tomorrow.
I thought I had rules, I thought they would keep me safe but they just caused me more pain.
So I said the best rule is not to have any rules and I ended up more lost than ever.
I can’t trust and my veins are ageing before there time and are screaming why do we bump life into a dead heart?
You know what I do not know why.
How can I answer a question that I have suffered so long trying to find an answer to myself.
They say a new love brings life back to a wounded heart but how wrong are they!!!
New love, new pain, new hope, new desires, and new disappointments.
So how wrong are they.
I just want, I don’t know what I want, I just want to be ok.
If happy is so damn hard, then dear God I beg you I just want to be ok.
Make me ok.
Just make the ache go away.
Make it end, make it go away.
I just want it to go away.
I held my own hand down this troubled path for so many years and now I just need someone to take my hand and walk me the rest of the way.
I am just too tried to take a step further.
I need someone to take me away.
Take me away.
Fly me away from here.
Love me enough and just take me into your arms and fly.
Dear God just send me someone to take me away.
For a step further I shall not walk.
I thought it was just a part of me that withered away but now that I see myself clearly in the early morning light. ‘
I am dead so take me away from here.
There is just too much that time can not erase…