I never could explain how I know how people are, how they operate without me really knowing them, I never could and I guess I never will.
I always liked to think of it as a gift from God and that if I don’t use it for good and to help whoever is in need God will take it away from me.
As I grew up I learned the hard way I am afraid that, if I don’t help myself first then attempting to help anyone else is simply useless.
I had this theory that if I take care of the world God will eventually send me someone to take care of me.
I am learning though yet again the hard way that if you don’t learn to look out for your own ass you will never be able to look out for anyone else.
I live, I learn, I ache in pain and misery every time a new lesson is in progress but it pays off or I would like to think it does, I mean honestly it better pay off.
The truth is sometimes it does and sometimes it doesn’t that’s just life.
Anyway the reason I was going on about that is because I loved you because I know you, I can’t explain how I know you but I sure as hell can explain why I love you.
Knowing you made me fall in love with you, it did, I can’t quite recall how or when.
But it did and I just do.
So when I told you what you were on the path of becoming, when I beg you to never change to never let go of the naive little boy tucked deep down in your soul.
Its because I do, I just do.
I know who you are, who you truly are, I know who you were on the edge of becoming and I know who you are going to become now.
I just do.
If I could have one wish, I wish you would see yourself threw my eyes God I am sure you would fall in love with you.
If only you could, if only you would, if only you do.
You would see you beautiful, not just handsome beautiful but really beautiful.
Or I could be just being the usual drama queen I usually am.
I just wish I knew if the rushing off was out of non interest or a heart too scared to tell, I wish I knew if you are really avoiding me or just you loved simply loved her.
I know that you do love her and that if you didn’t love her you wouldn’t go back to her every single time, you come back to her.
I have seen enough in life to know that where ever you go you always will Come Home to HER.
I know then why do I have this ache in my heart?
Why do I feel like I am suffocating slowly but savagely?
I keep saying to myself its your love, its the reason.
Sometimes I fear that I have come to love not you but the person I hope you are but that’s not true deep down I know it.
Its just away to soothe away the unbearable pain.
Its not like its working anyway.
After I came out with it I felt much better but now I know that it was me wanting to feel better that created that illusion.
At the end of the day when my strength is frail and the sky is dark for no stars dare shine when my heart is blue, I just ache from wanting you.
I am bold enough to say just that I ache from wanting you.
Though you will never be mine and I will never take you even if you left her, for hurting her I had sworn to not.
From here I wanted to tell you to never change love, never ever.
Though you think I don’t know you, I know enough to not want you to ever change ever
. But as I wrote it occurred to me that you are just a child.
Still in the making and that the you I know you can become is still far off in the distant horizon.
Terror fell on me like thunder for if you really never change you will never become the man you could become, the man I see so clear that I could reach out and touch you.
I decided to ask you something different, I decided to ask you to search for YOU.
For the you I saw so clearly when I first saw your eyes, if I was close I would have guided you and you’d have seen yourself through my eyes but since I am destined to stay afar.
Please look inside, deep inside and Change, Grow, and Love.
I just I really don’t have a clue how I see the things I do, I just do.