Memory Pain vs. Memory Lane

Hiding from the past I try but I can find no where to hide.

For my worst nightmare is in my mind.

Living with me, haunting me and from it I can never hide.

So what can I do?

They say we are the victims of our parents.

 They say that a man’s past is his life saga.

They say this and they say that.

But no one ever said how to get rid of the past once and for all.

 I guess no one ever knew.

They say your past shapes you,

 I say your past breaks you.

 

 You learn, you go through some of the best days you probably will ever have despite the optimistic claims saying “The best is yet to come”, and you also go through some of your worst, longest, and most dreaded days ever. And still you hear things like Move on, hang in there, you deserve better, God will reward you for your patience, and we believe in these simple statements of faith, we think the world of the simple two words Move on. Whether its right or wrong we simply do. But does it matter ? And no I don’t believe that it gets us through because well we get US through.

Words like move on and things like God’s will are like pain killers they help you get through the now but they never heal our wounds. Because the pain stays till you decide that you are ready to let it go.

Its not really letting go anyway its more of a mix of time, patience, and self love.

They say carry your heart on your sleeves, I say carry your heart in your soul and who can penetrate the soul can claim the heart.

They say save yourself for the one, I say be my guest but after you do that tell me how many days HAVE YOU LIVED ?

They claim authority over your life and mine, either you choose to neglect and ignore or you stay forever imprisoned in the What if ? and They shall say.

They say A LOT of senseless useless crap. You’re asking who are they ? Well Mark Twain once said ” Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, its time to pause and reflect.” For the sake of this argument let’s assume that’s true. They are the majority, the crowd, the walk beside the wall people, the play it safe freaks,…. Our lives are full of these people some of them are closer than others, some are family.

They’ve affected US in so many ways more than one especially if you were under the guardianship of one till you were eighteen. So if you were that’s what I consider the PAST. It affected you in numerous ways I get it. But from eighteen on its the past, and it shall stay that way. From eighteen on you can’t say daddy made me do it or mum talked me into it. From eighteen on even if your actions are affected by tragedies of the past, you take full responsibility for them whether you like it or not. So some people break and people treat them like its their own pitiful fault and it is, yet deep beneath the surface the truth is its not.

Even if you moved out at sixteen or eighteen these people are every where. We can’t avoid them, but we can learn to deal with them and control their affect on our lives. If we’re lucky we learn that by twenty five if we’re not and most of us aren’t we get it much later than that. Much later……. which is just plain sad if you ask me.

Simply sad but true anyway. Fifty year old men and women still pay their therapist bills monthly, because mummy said this when she was twelve and daddy did that when she was six. Group therapy, one on one, sponsor, an industry have been made from our ruined pasts. If only we learn to keep the past in the past but is that even possible.

Men always go back to their first wives, your competition is always his ex, and their always that childhood friend that threatens you mere existance by popping up any minute. All of them share one aspect they were the past they left and you came and they could have been in your place too. They all shared the past, they all shared the past with the ones you love, they know more, they know how it felt like and you you know how it feels like and that’s just not enough. Higher advantage and leverage why because they were past.

Even that ex who decided to propose suddenly out of the blue, he had you he lost you you left him and for damn good reasons too and still NO just doesn’t find its way to your lips that easily. Why ? Because he has the past.

Philosophers, novelists, historians and every damn social science junkie all through history have been trying to make you believe that of the three stages in your life past, now, and tomorrow, the now matters the most. Still the past continues to dominate our mere existance. To most of you I might not be making much sense but actually I don’t care because to me I make perfect sense some of most of the time anyhow.

And again maybe I am just another sad pathetic girl who is still mourning over her silly childhood and needs a shrink.

I’ll let you be the judge of that.

Marwa Arafa


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