They say write what you write then after you finsih choose a suitable title, I always used to do the opposite ALWAYS.
I think I was trying to draw a frame of what I am supposed to write and fit my writing in it.
I didn’t get till recently that that’s exactly what I did with my life too.
I had a vision of what I was supposed to be, supposed to eat, supposed to drink, supposed to work, supposed to love, supposed to hate, supposed to have passion for…
How wrong was I?
How screwed up does that look to me now even on a stupid computer screen?
It disgusts me to the core!!!
But a while ago, I got where I was wrong and I went out trying to find what I really do like.
I just let go.
Good Right ? No Crap.
I fell in love with a boy I think or know deep down that I know ( Yes I have no idea how but I do)
But that’s not the point he is in a relationship active relationship with a cute cookie coo girl, a nice girl, cute girl, simple girl…
So let me just lay out where letting go left me gaining weight of course I was so better off when I was on a no carbs strict diet.
I am well not heart broken, I am fine, I am just well nope not regret, nope not mad nopey nope, I just…. love him.
Its that simple he’ll never get it neither will any sane person but I just do.
We never talked much, he doesn’t know me at all, and it should be the same like I don’t know him too but I do.
For a person who is taking a look at this I will look like a love starved fool, drooling over some boy its not that simple trust me.
Since I don’t believe in love at first sight yeah someone like ME =D but come on is it written somewhere that I should!!!
There is no such thing as first sight love because simply even if you do experiance a first sight attraction its simply because you have been day dreaming about someone similar ( someone just like him or her) when you see them for the first time something clicks and that something is a weird feeling of you knowing them and guess what you do and you have all your life. So its not first sight =).
First sight is you falling in love with your new born baby the moment your eyes set on him. That’s first sight love, its as simple as that. People complicate the uncomplicated.
Anyhow going back to my predicament I think I even had a vision of how letting go would be like it would be messy, wild and I got it head on, it was.
Goodness Gracious it was.
But I don’t regret doing what I did.
I just want him more than I’ve ever wanted anyone ever.
People who know me and know my history stop wide eyed at a sentence like this I have been in and out of a lot of relationships ( Crap) so when I say that, they know I mean it and that he is different.
Its not about him being the one I mean who needs the one now anyhow, what in the world would I do with the one now!!!
I am too young to find the one.
I just want the now.
I don’t regret letting go, I really don’t.
But its different from taking risks, its just its more mysterious.
When you let go, you surrender yourself to God and fate, you just let yourself get drifted away.
But when you take risks at least you know what you’re risking what might happen.
What kind of bomb can blow up in your face.
I wanted to take time off to read, study, listen to the weird music I listen to and just relax.
Just let go of everything and see what comes along.
Instead of going after what I think is good for me I wanted to just see what God’s has in plan for me this time and not be so damn busy running and fighting on another trail or in the opposite direction.
But the only thing that was left was you and I did it again and I fell again.
Guess I really don’t learn
. I just don’t learn.
But I just want you.