I remember when I was young, we used to go on road trips my mum used to love showing us EVERYTHING.
She used to say flying is nice but things are real small when you’re up high in the sky, once in a while you need to come down to the ground for a fresh new prespective.
I used to ask are we there yet? half an hour into the trip.
My mum always answered the same answer “Depends on where you’re going darling”.
All through my childhood I never really understood most of the things my mother said, but as I grew up most of her words and sayings dawned on me in the strangest of places and most oblivious of times.
As I started to turn from a young girl to a young woman, and as I surrendered my heart naively looking for love and the alleged one, I slowly understood what my mama meant.
Slowly with every heart break I understood that getting there, getting to land after a stormy night is really all about where you’re going in the first place.
If you don’t know where you’re going all you’ll steer to will be mirages.
I spent years pursuing false dreams, faulty lovers, and dead end trails. Years!!!
Year after year and the answer was there always with me I carried it with me.
Too naive, too young baby don’t be so harsh on yourself my mama said.
But I always expected myself to know better, to be better to learn faster to achieve more.
I accepted me to be exceptional in the end that’s what my mama brought me up to be.
Not the best but the only.
Larger than life with more beauty than poor hearts can take.
Take the world by a storm my mama said.
But the thing is the world knocked ME OFF MY FEET time after time.
I left a mark of that I’m sure even on the people that hurt me the most but still every time I broke down and parked on the side of the road, this little part of me shattered in the process of getting the engine started again.
A little part was lost dead and like that it would stay.
I did take the world by a storm and I still do but it ain’t easy.
It ain’t easy being the one and only.
The one who believes in love, cares enough to devote, gives a damn about the forgotten and ain’t afraid to stand in front of the hurricane when people scram like rats looking for their holes.
Being me ain’t easy but it’s worth it.
I went down a lot of paths had been lost all my life and still am.
But maybe the word isn’t lost maybe the train explanation is just a lie, you’re on a moving train and your final station is not here yet and whatever mechanical glitches you have on the way can not be fixed because the train is moving, they can only be fixed once you reach your final destination!!!
Who in the world has the soul to wait that long…
So we settle for less and keep wanting way more.
We settle not because we are in doubt of what we deserve or that our time will come EVENTUALLY but because late at night an empty bed is the worst thing that can ever happen to a fierce heart and a raging soul.
What gets me is an empty bed, simple yet profoundly pathetic.
They say till your station comes that lost feeling will keep lingering on top of you like a grey cloud on a rainy day.
Sometimes it will rain on top of you, other times it will NOT, but you will live in the anticipation sick with worry and you will want it to rain already once and for all because DISASTER is too many times is better then anticipating it.
You need to know what you want in order to adjust your sails toward it at times I thought that’s what my mama said.
But I mean come on who knows EXACTLY what he or she wants!!!
Its a quest right? Isn’t it?
Through erring you learn to see the signs earlier than before you learn to not get so attached or at least you try not to.
Sometimes you are too clever for your own good you know catastrophe is on your front steps yet you say I CAN FIX HIM, and he ends up screwing up YOU.
Sometimes you let go because you have been hurt enough and you just can’t afford a possibility of another screw up.
So you lose a good one trying to do the right thing.
Leave yourself to God he knows best but then you started wanting God’s help this much and you start seeing his signs everywhere true or not.
So you fool yourself into belief.
You fool yourself.
I don’t know what’s right or what’s wrong and honestly every time I am in that pit hole I interpret my mama’s words differently to fit my sick wants and desires.
Yes they are sick because they make me sick.
I fall ill because I wanted too much too soon.
I keep saying Patience is Precious and me of all people is incapable of patience.
So I turn down the lights and I try to stop thinking for ONE SECOND, shut off my brain.
I try and I fail.
I keep thinking, I keep interpreting, breaking sentences to pieces then trying to let them fit together again and I hit a brick wall.
I fall ill and I fall to my knees and maybe that is the perfect position to pray.
So I pray for a sign a TRUE SIGN.
Please dear God I need a sign!!!